Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership Part Two

Today's Guest Blog is by Jerome T. and Jamie T. A Dom/Sub couple who have been married for about 3 years, but have been together for over 10.

Jerome was also my mentor (and is currently deployed and serving our country overseas) and Jamie was the first sub that I was ever with.

So without further ado, here's the take on the Dom/sub relationship as a Marriage/Partnership from a couple who is actually living it currently.

Jerome T. and Jamie T.'s Viral Interview

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?

Jamie: I grew up surrounded by it. My mother was a sub and my father was her Dom. They had been together for ten years before they decided to get married and then after they got married they had me. Their relationship never seemed abnormal to me or anything, it was just how my parents were. They never did a scene in front of me, and I never really noticed anything strange or different about my parents and my friends's parents until I was 10 and realized that when I spent the night over my friends's house that none of their mothers wore a collar around their necks. I came home the next morning and asked my parents and they explained it to me. They didn't go into graphic details, they just explained that they had a deeper, more trusting, more loyal relationship because their roles were clearly established. They explained that honesty and loyalty and trust were essential for their relationship. When I turned 18 I sat down with my parents to talk with them about it again and they went into details about their roles. I knew then that I wasn't fit to try to give someone orders, to take someone's control. I wanted to give it away to someone. I wanted to belong to someone else, not as a piece of property but as a treasured being. My mother told me that she'd always known that I had "sub" tendencies and after that she sort of gave me a How to Be a Sub 101 class.

Jerome: The first time I had sex with a guy, I was 19 and the whole time I kept telling him what to do. He was doing it with no problem, but while he was a very bad lay, I realized that I was getting harder every time I'd tell him to bend over or to lick my cock or whatever and that it turned me on to sort of dominate him like that. When we finished, or rather when he finished and I jerked off on his back thinking about Vin Diesel, he told me that he hadn't realized that I was such a Dom. I knew some guys from the club who were always talking about these alternative clubs down in Ybor, so I got them to take me to a couple. I figured out that I was a Dom by just watching a few of the D/s couples. I knew I'd probably bite someone if they tried to make me kneel in front of them, but I also knew that being the person who ordered someone to kneel appealed to me a lot. So I hung around talked to a few people found out about this Dom/sub group in town, got involved with them, learned from watching other Doms fuck up their subs. Learned by watching subs fuck up their Doms (because yeah that's possible to do as well). It wasn't too long before I went out and found a sub of my own.

Jamie: And it wasn't me. It was some skinny twink, whose name shall never be uttered again. But who introduced you to me.

Jerome: Yeah, it took me three subs and two years before Jamie finally agreed to be mine forever. Happiest day of my life.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?

Jamie: In my opinion, when they're in a scene they're stronger and move better together and then we're they're out of a scene they're stronger and move better together. Arguments don't typically happen as much or they aren't as volatile when the Dom and the sub are partners out of a scene. But I think the biggest thing is that the love that they have for each other becomes so interwoven and so tightly strung together that it's impenetrable.  I know that nothing can or will ever come between me and Jerome. He's my big Dominant Chocolate Teddy Bear.

Jerome: Yeah, what Jamie said. I know for me, I can always look at a couple and tell if they're partners outside of it. Their love and need for each other is almost visible. Like you can reach out and touch it. It's real cool man.

3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?

Jamie: By the end of our first scene I knew that I wanted Jerome for a longer time frame than just that one time, but I had other Doms that I "played" with and plus Jerome didn't seem the type that was ready to settle down. But the more scenes we did together the less I wanted to be with anyone else. Then one night he called me over, but not to play or to do a scene, he took me out to dinner and dancing and then at the end of the night all he did was kiss me on the forehead and then left. That was when I knew that he was supposed to be mine.

Jerome: I fell in love with the Jamie by the end of our first scene. I came so hard that I was shaking. I could hardly talk and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and never let go, so I did the next best thing, I found a few more subs and started playing around, but none of them made me cum like Jamie did, none of them made me feel like Jamie did. I started having dreams about him. Started seeing him everywhere I went. I thought he was stalking me and then I thought he was haunting me. I heard he had other Doms and I was livid like a rabid pit bull. I was talking to a friend of mine just angry as shit and he pointed out to me that Jamie wasn't mine to be feeling like that about him and I yelled out that he was mine and no one was allowed to touch him. That was when I knew. I also knew I had to sort of date him and shit because he wasn't going to go for it any other way. So that's what I did. But I was already in love with him while making sure that he was in love with me.

Jamie: I didn't know that baby. I'm trying not to cry over here.

Jerome: Damn, you're such a queen sometime sweetheart.

Jamie: You're probably crying too jack ass.

Jerome: I'll jack your ass.

******************Yeah, let me step in and say that I had to cut out the rest of this part.**************************

4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?

Jamie: A lack of imagination?

Jerome: No, this is a trick question, is the answer....spreader bars?

Jamie: (clapping) Good answer baby, good answer.

Jerome: Survey says!

Jamie: Okay, seriously, Vic to answer your question. I think that the biggest difference is that when you're in a D/s relationship everything is heightened. The emotions, the experiences, all of it. Because everything is on a deeper level in a D/s relationship. And everything is 100%. A Dom is giving 100% of himself to his sub and the sub is giving 100% of his control and his freedom to his Dom. I haven't really had any relationships outside of the Lifestyle, so I don't really have much to base this on, but a lot of relationships that aren't in the Lifestyle don't have that. Emotions seem to start on the surface and then become deeper in a "normal" relationship. But in a D/s relationship, everything starts deep and then just gets deeper. I think that's why D/s relationships and marriages tend to last so long, because it's so much about learning the deep stuff of each other, the inner workings of their mind, their emotions and feelings and fears and deep seeded desires and then digging a little deeper.

Jerome: And playing off of what Jamie said, which I completely agree with Baby Jay,

Jamie: Thanks sweetheart.

Jerome: You're welcome. With a D/s relationship, you never stop digging. In most "normal" relationships, people just stop. When they get engaged, when they get married, after they hear "I love you" for the first time, they just stop digging deeper, they stop searching for that inner place in their partner(s). In a D/s relationship you understand that you're never supposed to stop digging, never supposed to stop searching. As human beings we are always growing, changing and shifting, if you stop digging then you'll be looking for the old man that you fell in love with and not seeing the new man that he's evolved into.

Vic: Damn, Jerome, that was deep dude. Can I put that in my book?

Jerome: Hell yeah. You talking about "Mark Me"? The one with you and that dude. Your LC sub?

Vic: Yeah. And he's not my LC yet.

Jerome: He will be. Just don't stop digging and he will be.

5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?

Jamie: You were there! You could answer this question without us!!

Vic: Just answer the damn question Jamie before I tell Jerome to make you take out your damn plug.

Jamie: (sticks out tongue) I don't know that our ceremony was completely different from a wedding, because we were getting married at the same time that we were doing the collaring ceremony. We had decorations, streamers, etc. I think the biggest difference outside of Jerome putting the collar on me was the fact that we didn't have too much of the extra frivolousness. No one sang at our wedding.

Jerome: Even though we tried to get you to Vic.

Vic: Nope, ain't doing it. Maybe at my own I will.

Jerome: Bastard.

Vic: Your mama.

Jamie: EXCUSE ME! I was having a moment here!

Jerome: Are you yelling at me?

Jamie: No sir.

Jerome: Okay then, finish what you were saying baby.

Jamie: But outside of all of that, our collaring ceremony was pretty much like a wedding. It WAS a wedding. It's just that we got to the vows a lot quicker. It was a bigger level of commitment and vows of loyalty and compassion and understanding. When you're in a D/s relationship you see the worst of your partner almost at the beginning of the relationship, I think that goes a long way towards crafting a deeper, more emotionally strong relationship, so when you're having a collaring ceremony it's a deeper, more emotional commitment. I know that during our ceremony it was so much more than just me marrying the man that I loved. I was marrying my Dom, my sir, the man who had promised to take care of me, the man who had been taking care of me. I was pledging my life, my love and eternal devotion to someone I'd already pledged my control, my freedom, my will and my decisions to. I was pouring the rest of me that he didn't already have, into him and our lives together. I think that's the biggest difference.

Jerome: I felt the same way. Here was this man who my life was already so wrapped around, you know? My every breath and my very existence was to be Jamie's Dom, he'd changed his name to be with me, he'd been freely giving me his control for years, but for me, selfish asshole that I am, I wasn't satisfied with just that. I wanted all of him. Every single part. And one thing that not a lot of people know, and it's not true for every Dom, but it is true for a lot of us, it doesn't take too many scenes for us to know whether the person we're with will only ever be a sub to us or if one day that person, that sub, could be THE ONE for us. We know from talking to them, from how we feel when the scene is over. It only takes a few for us. Doms can fall just as hard for a sub as a sub can fall for a Dom. So here I am during this ceremony and I'm pledging my life to someone I'd already given my heart and soul to. Because that's what we do as Doms, we pour ourselves into our subs, but the ones that we collar? Those are the ones that we're pouring our souls into and we all hope that one day the person that we're pouring our souls into will return the favor and give us their soul in return. So when we have that collaring commitment ceremony, which is so much different than just a regular collaring, we're receiving the soul of the person that we've already given our soul to, we're being made whole again. We're becoming one Dom, one sub for all time and I think that's what makes the ceremony different from a wedding ceremony. A wedding is two people joining their lives and becoming one unit, two separate entities moving toward the same goal. A collaring ceremony is two halves of the same whole declaring to all that they moved as one now.

Vic: Like one grounded and the other one flying?

Jerome: Exactly like that.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?

Jamie: Not that I can think of.

Jerome: Nope I'm all good except to say that a collaring ceremony is precious and sacred. Doms take it very seriously and subs take it seriously as well, or atleast they should. People shouldn't scoff at that, because for us? It's just like a wedding ceremony.

Jamie: But better.

Jerome: Definitely better.

Thank you to Jerome and Jamie for agreeing to the interview!

The rest of the week we'll hear from our favorite subs on this same matter.

Happy Spankingz,

The Dom


  1. OK, this post made me think. (Vic don't make me do that! lol)
    Question 4 I was gonna protest a bit because I would say being w/ my hubby everything is heightened, but reading the rest, I have to shut up. Well, sorta. I think what they said about where emotions start is true.

    I do have a bone to pick (*snickers) with this statement: "A collaring ceremony is two halves of the same whole declaring to all that they moved as one now."
    Just because I can't picture my life w/o my hubby. It'd be incomplete, missing a giant piece. Without him, I'd still be living at my parents with no idea how to make my life complete. I would totally say I was whole the day hubby and I said I do. I would just amend that to say maybe Dom/sub partner experience that whole feeling w/ their partner more than someone outside the lifestyle. =P

    Beautiful post though.

  2. What a wonderful interview:) I really loved how their relationship was described and how it different (in a much deeper way) from that of a non-Dom/sub relationship. Thank you Vic for the post and thank your couple for giving the interview!


  3. What an absolutely lovely couple and great explanations of what their relationship and their roles means to them.

    One thing that struck me was that it's hard enough on a "normal" relationship when one half of it is away, with the added stress of being in the armed forces as well. In the co-dependence of a D/s relationship that must be so much harder on both parties yet their obvious togetherness in the responses is just beautiful.


  4. Yeah Jamie and Jerome are awesome....very much in love and very outgoing. I aspire for my own D/s marriage to be just as strong and just as passionate as theirs.


Bend over and take the spanking!