Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership

For some people the Dom/sub relationship seems like a business transaction. There are contracts, rules, stipulations, opt-out clauses. They don't see the amount of caring and affection that's involved in true relationship between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub.

I had already planned to ask my mentor Jerome and his sub/husband, Jamie, to talk about their relationship this week, but after a discussion in a group that I'm in last night, I figured that I'd kick off this week's blogs.

There are 5 questions that I asked Jerome and Jamie and I'm going to answer them as well. Before I do that though I want to share with you what I shared in the group about how loving the D/s relationship actually is:

(Regarding the Dom headspace):

When I'm in a Dom head space my world and my gaze is focused on my sub. Most subs describe their sub head space as a "floating" sensation. I feel "grounded." Everything is much more heightened, my shoulders feel broader and I feel this deep connection with my sub. My every nerve, every cell in my body, is connected to him, I'm trying to get him to that place where he floats, where he is sated and happy because it makes me that way. I'm taking the control that he's giving me and I'm turning it and molding it into something a little bit easier for him to manage and to carry when the scene is over.

I feel like a potter during a scene. I'm molding my sub to be a better "them" when I say "Scene over." I'm pouring all of me, all of my strength and power and control into them, since they've given me theirs, so I have to make sure that they can handle it.

Then when a scene is over, they're drained and I'm still pulsing with energy so I have the Aftercare, where I'm cradling them in my arms, taking care of them, making sure that they come down from floating and it's during that time where I'm releasing all of that pent-up energy and finding my own center again. Sort of like releasing the lightning bolts that I held in my hand so that I can surround my sub in the softness of the clouds and then place them firmly back on Earth, with me.

That's a Dom head space.

(Regarding the affection in a D/s relationship):
I think for me it's best way for me to love on someone. I'm taking care of them. In a "scene" it's all about him. I'm not focused on me at all. Doms are very selfless (well, good Doms are), because we're so focused on our subs, because the scene and the Aftercare is all about them.  Even the instructions that we give them it's all about making them better.

There are certain relationships like Master/slave that are the opposite. The Master is being cared for by the slave. And then the whole Sadist/Masochist one.

But the Dom/sub is one of genuine caring and affection. Yeah for some couples the title is there. It's there for D***** and I right now because he's still "in training," but I could see us being like Jerome and Jamie at some point. When the Dom and sub are only ever D/s then they do tend to be more of a business type of transaction, but when the slip into that caring part, when the "Boy" becomes "Baby" and "Sir" becomes "Honey" or "Vic" or whatever, then that's when, although it's still a D/s relationship it becomes more like a marriage. With very clear roles for each person, with one person taking care of the other person and giving to the other person by allowing that person to give to them.

D***** told me tonight that all he wants to do is make me happy, seconds before I said the same thing to him.

The sub doesn't want to disappoint the Dom and the Dom doesn't want to ever betray the trust that the sub has given him.

And no, the whole titles and control/submission thing doesn't work for everyone and in a part of my brain I even understand that, especially when D***** calls me "sir", but I know that for him it's a matter of him showing me respect and it's just as much a term of endearment as someone else calling their DH or their S/O "dear" or "baby" or "honey." It's just got a negative connotation added to it by people who don't understand. 

The Aftercare of a scene is the most loving part of being in a D/s relationship, it's one of the reasons that I'm so upset that D***** lives so far away. It's the time when I'm taking care of my sub. Cleaning him up, rubbing his body and his limbs, soothing him from his high with my words, telling him how good he did, how happy he made me.

You don't get that with a lot of regular relationships, it's like "Cum and Done." Some of them are more loving but in the D/s relationship, in a real one, a "normal" one, it's a requirement.

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?
I was 19, having sex with my boyfriend and he'd smacked my ass. For some reason, it pissed me off, so I smacked his, but that turned me on...like a lot. After that all I wanted to do was smack his ass, tie him up and have my way with him. I went to "Ask Jeeves" (yes, this is when Ask.com was AskJeeves.com) and typed in "Why do I want to keep spanking my boyfriend during sex?" and Jeeves gave me information on the BDSM Lifestyle. I did some research and then went to a BDSM club in Tampa. That's where I met Jerome and Jamie. The rest is history.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?
Honestly? I used to be against it. Like firmly against it. At least for myself. I could see how it worked for some people. Like Jamie and Jerome, but I couldn't see how it would work for me, because I'm so Dom in the bedroom, but outside of it, I can have moments of just being "Vic," sometimes extremely unsure and needing to be held my damn self. So, I knew that for me I'd probably need a sub AND a partner, just to be completely satisfied.

That was before I met Daniel and Katharina and so many other subs who really made my eyes open to the beauty of having a partner INSIDE of the D/s relationship. Of having someone who knows when you need to take control, of having someone who's always there for you to care for and who cares for you in return. The D/s Lifestyle is so deeply emotional and connected and personal, it's hard not to start to feel some type of emotion for your sub anyway, for me it was just a matter of opening my mind to the idea that that emotion could spill over into all areas of my life.

And once I found my current sub I began to see him in all parts of my life. Not just as a sub, but as a partner. I realized that with a D/s relationship the rules are very set, but it's already a partnership, the sub gives their control to the Dom and the Dom turns around and pours their strength and energy into the sub. That's what a partnership is.

3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?
LOL. Well, um...my sub isn't my partner yet, but I am toying with the idea. *Blushes*

I think for me it was the moment that he said that he didn't want my marks on anyone else but him. That he wanted to be the only one that I fucked, the only one that I put my marks on. In that moment it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm not saying that I completely made up my mind and I'm ready to go on one knee and propose to him just yet, but I am saying that in that moment, I saw us in more of a partnership as well as a Dom/sub relationship, because that was when I realized that that possession went both ways. I'm just as much his as he is mine. He wants to make me happy and I want to take care of him and we both want to work our damndest to make sure that we accomplish our goals in that area. That sounds like a pretty awesome marriage/partnership to me, don't you think?

4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?
You mean besides the lack of whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, butt plugs, dildos, spreader bars, nipple clamps, floggers, crops, paddles, rope, canes, gags, blindfolds, and leather?

Hhmmm, probably not much. I think it's probably a trust thing. The trust between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub is so much deeper than the trust between any other couple out there. The sub isn't just trusting that their Dom(me) is going to care for them. They are trusting them with their control, their lives, their minds, their freedom to make choices and decisions during a "scene" and sometimes out of it if their relationship is 24/7. The level of trust between them is so much deeper and because of that, it makes the level of caring so much deeper. That level of possessiveness is deeper as well. Doms tend to be extremely, extremely possessive of their subs, but subs know that. They give themselves to us, they're being "taken" by us.

That's probably another really big difference. The sub is giving themselves, all of themselves, every nuance and cell and matter, every touch and breath and heartbeat, to their Dom(me), that level of complete selflessness doesn't happen in most other relationships. And that's just when they're purely D/s, when you add that commitment and that contract for a lifetime? Wow!

5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?
Well I haven't actually had one of my own yet. I'm planning on changing that very soon. But from the ones that I've seen, it's almost surreal. A lot of weddings I've been to are so...over-the-top. This person sings, this person reads, this person dances, by the time the bride and groom, or the two grooms, or the two brides, finally get to saying their vows, I'm sitting in the audience about to fall asleep, or standing at the altar about to fall asleep (because I can perform weddings and commitment ceremonies, you know).

But the collaring commitment ceremonies? They're so straight-forward and to the point. But to me, they seem so much deeper. The Dom and sub are pledging complete devotion to each other. The sub is giving themselves into the protection of the Dom, giving themselves into the safe-keeping, the care, the arms, of the Dom. Whereas the Dom is proclaiming to all how truly priceless this sub is, how they are promising to never mistreat this sub, they are promising to never betray the trust that the sub has placed in them, they are promising to always treat that sub, their sub, as the treasure that they are.

I see it like this, during a collaring commitment ceremony, the gods, the heavens, the Fates, are placing this priceless jewel into my safekeeping and I am being charged to guard it, to care for it, to see it become the best display, the best jewel that it can be. I am being blessed with a role, a position as this jewel's guardian, charged to protect it, charged to love it, charged to keep it from harm. I am not only taking this jewel into myself, but I am putting myself into this jewel. I will be grounded and hold onto this jewel and watch it soar.

It's humbling, it's liberating and freeing and exhilarating. There's no need for me to be reminded to "care for them in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish them, to forsake all others...until death do you part," that's a given, I've been doing that already. That collaring ceremony is just me saying that I will continue to treat that sub as the priceless, gods-given treasure that I have been implored to care for, for all the rest of our days together.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?
Not really. The only thing that's left for me to say is that the D/s relationship is not for everyone and there are couples out there who are more solid than some D/s couples that I know, but that's because everyone has to do what's right for them. I would never ask my sub to not be a sub anymore if I ever lose part of my brain and can't be a Dom anymore, no matter how much I'd care for him at that point, I'd find him someone that could give him what he needed. That's the biggest thing. You have to do what's right for you, no one else and you can't let someone tell you what's right for you in matters like this. If you want to be a Dom or a sub, then be one, just do it the right way, do it the safe way. If you and your Dom or sub, want to make that commitment to each other, do it, regardless of what others may say, because that's what's right for you.

As a Dom I try to make sure that I'm doing what's right for my sub at all times whether I'm with him or not. Plain and simple, because in our relationship, he is what's important. Case closed, end of story.

Happy Spankingz!

The Dom


  1. I like your answer to question 5, very sweet. ;)

    Question 4 I think you hit it right on the head. From my understanding, if a Dom isn't treating a sub right during a scene, they're not always in a position (*snickers*) to stop it; push the Dom away, or get up and leave.

    At least between me and my hubby, he pisses me off in bed, I can punch him or something (not that I have.) Sure, there's trust that he won't do something I don't like, but I have the power to stop him. The sub is giving that power to the Dom. Hence trust being more important. ^^

  2. Vic, that's so beautiful! I especially like the last paragraph: If you want to be a Dom or a sub, then be one, just do it the right way, do it the safe way. Love it!

  3. Thank you very much for commenting ladies! I appreciate it!

    And Patricia, yeah, I liked the answer to #5 too. Think he'll catch it?

    Cleon, I actually wrote that last part with you in mind. Doing something right and safe is true for EVERY relationship. There are more people hurt and killed in "regular" relationships than D/s relationships because people aren't still being safe. Most subs know how to keep themselves safe and real Doms know how to keep their subs safe. I think when people look at the Lifestyle from a purely clinical or objective standpoint, when they're looking at it from the outside it doesn't seem, to them, to be safe, but by getting inside of the relationship, by learning more, you realize that a D/s relationship, one in which everyone is educated and knows what's happening, what's supposed to happen, etc., that's the SAFEST relationship out there, regardless of what toys are being used.

    But that's coming from someone who's had both types of relationships and also coming from "The Dom".

  4. RAWR! Love the answer to #1, lol. Imagine that search term popping up in your internet history.

    So, who's this D*****, huh? *glares*

  5. LOL. You know who it is. Just wasn't sure if said person wanted their name out and associated in that way with mine, so that's why he's listed as D*****.

    And the search engine thing wasn't the problem, the problem was that I was sharing the computer with my college roommate. Yeah, she had ALL kinds of questions when I got back from the club the first time. LOL.

  6. Vic, I agree with Cleon - this was so beautiful..

    You know, I never thought of myself in these terms before yesterday night, when you so nicely pointed out that "it's going to take The Dom telling you to go to bed before you do." (LOL) And now this blog post.. you got me really thinking. Damn shame, that I've got no one to try this new theory with. *sigh*

  7. Aija, thank you. And honestly, there are lots of ways for you to "test" out the new theory with. If you want I'll help you.

    I mean, not personally, because I'm sure that my sub D*****, would be highly upset if I did that. But I can help you as much as possible or even get in my Dom group and ask them if someone's in your area (where are you again?) you can help you or talk through it with you.

    And how funny is it that I just mentioned that in passing and it struck a chord in you? That's so freaking awesome!

  8. Daniel, LOL! No need for you to be jealous on my account. ;)

    Vic... *can't stop smiling* I'm a Cancer - always taking two steps back after one step forward. And, like Zane (you know Zane from Cut & Run?), I need to think everything to death and only then I'll be ready to act on it.. maybe. An awful trait, I know. But I am thinking about it! And I would appreciate it if you could give me some pointers to start with..? *blushes*
    (You know, I have no idea what I'm talking about. :D 'Till now my only information came from books.)

    I think that's why I like you - you somehow manage to pull my strings. :)

  9. Thanks Vic that really does explain the balance in a D/s relationship and how important trust is from both sides and how both go into it knowing what they want.

    So much more healthy than a manipulative/abusive relationship where one person is determined to get what they want and never mind the cost to the other


  10. Lovely, awesome, sweet, wonderful post, Vic. =)

  11. Daniel, you know there's no need to be jealous. You know I'm all yours, babez.

    Aija, crazy as it sounds, I always tell people to spank themselves first to see if they like it, find something to clamp your nipples with and see if you like that, etc. Then there are websites of course that you can read as well to get you more acclimated. What I'll do is next week I will do a post "So You Wanna Be a Sub?" and "So You Wanna Be a Dom?" and get Katharina and Daniel to write about things from their perspective as well. That should help.

    Kate, you're right. I think the thing is that in the D/s relationship, in a true D/s relationship, everyone is giving all that they have into the relationship you know? The Dom is giving all of himself, and the sub is as well. So there's no need for manipulation or deceptions, because that leads to someone being harmed or death, you know what I mean? And neither of them wants that (unless they do in which case that person is a sadist or a masochist or a fucking serial killer). And I do believe that "normal" relationships can have the same thing but it's going to take everyone having that same level of complete honesty, because it's got the same proponents as a a D/s relationship in that if someone lies or isn't completely honest, someone could get hurt. And abusive relationships should be avoided at all cost, normal, D/s, S/M, s/M, any kind.

    Adara: Thank you for that compliment I appreciate it.

  12. Vic, that doesn't sound crazy at all. Thanks for the advise. :)

    And now I can't wait for that post next week! lol

  13. Vic, yes I do know what you mean - having unfortunately been on the manipulated side of an unhealthy non D/s relationship and not realised until I was in far too deep.... Normal relationships are give and take, but there does seem to be much more connectedness in a good D/s relationship - particularly a 24/7 one, though that may in part because of the level of commitment of the people in the relationship, rather than the type of relationship

    Looking forward to the want to be a Dom/Want to be a sub posts.... are you going to touch on switches?

    And I am sure this blog is responsible for some rather strange dreams and a yearning for a powder blue suede flogger......

  14. Hey Vic! Great post! Daniel sent me the link to this blog YAY. Was missing my kink buddies. Think I'd like to stick around if that's okay with you :D

  15. Aija: I'm glad it didn't sound to out there. LOL. If it wasn't for the babez I'd offer but you know...LOL. Totally NOT the way it should be but the bastard's got me hooked. *Rolls eyes*

    Kate: You're totally right of course. There is a definite level of connectedness in a D/s relationship that you don't find in "normal" relationships. Jamie talks about that in the follow up post to this. I think you'll really like it. And you know I can talk about those who "switch" or those who are "versatile" and I had definitely planned on doing that, but I can't find ONE! So if you know someone let me know and I'll be glad to interview them.

    Rach: RACH!!!!!! OF COURSE you can stay you NUT!! I thought you already knew about the blog and just didn't want to join! {pout} But I'm glad you're here now and glad that Daniel invited you (I knew I was keeping him around for something) LOL. Welcome!!


Bend over and take the spanking!