Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership Part Two

Today's Guest Blog is by Jerome T. and Jamie T. A Dom/Sub couple who have been married for about 3 years, but have been together for over 10.

Jerome was also my mentor (and is currently deployed and serving our country overseas) and Jamie was the first sub that I was ever with.

So without further ado, here's the take on the Dom/sub relationship as a Marriage/Partnership from a couple who is actually living it currently.

Jerome T. and Jamie T.'s Viral Interview

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?

Jamie: I grew up surrounded by it. My mother was a sub and my father was her Dom. They had been together for ten years before they decided to get married and then after they got married they had me. Their relationship never seemed abnormal to me or anything, it was just how my parents were. They never did a scene in front of me, and I never really noticed anything strange or different about my parents and my friends's parents until I was 10 and realized that when I spent the night over my friends's house that none of their mothers wore a collar around their necks. I came home the next morning and asked my parents and they explained it to me. They didn't go into graphic details, they just explained that they had a deeper, more trusting, more loyal relationship because their roles were clearly established. They explained that honesty and loyalty and trust were essential for their relationship. When I turned 18 I sat down with my parents to talk with them about it again and they went into details about their roles. I knew then that I wasn't fit to try to give someone orders, to take someone's control. I wanted to give it away to someone. I wanted to belong to someone else, not as a piece of property but as a treasured being. My mother told me that she'd always known that I had "sub" tendencies and after that she sort of gave me a How to Be a Sub 101 class.

Jerome: The first time I had sex with a guy, I was 19 and the whole time I kept telling him what to do. He was doing it with no problem, but while he was a very bad lay, I realized that I was getting harder every time I'd tell him to bend over or to lick my cock or whatever and that it turned me on to sort of dominate him like that. When we finished, or rather when he finished and I jerked off on his back thinking about Vin Diesel, he told me that he hadn't realized that I was such a Dom. I knew some guys from the club who were always talking about these alternative clubs down in Ybor, so I got them to take me to a couple. I figured out that I was a Dom by just watching a few of the D/s couples. I knew I'd probably bite someone if they tried to make me kneel in front of them, but I also knew that being the person who ordered someone to kneel appealed to me a lot. So I hung around talked to a few people found out about this Dom/sub group in town, got involved with them, learned from watching other Doms fuck up their subs. Learned by watching subs fuck up their Doms (because yeah that's possible to do as well). It wasn't too long before I went out and found a sub of my own.

Jamie: And it wasn't me. It was some skinny twink, whose name shall never be uttered again. But who introduced you to me.

Jerome: Yeah, it took me three subs and two years before Jamie finally agreed to be mine forever. Happiest day of my life.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?

Jamie: In my opinion, when they're in a scene they're stronger and move better together and then we're they're out of a scene they're stronger and move better together. Arguments don't typically happen as much or they aren't as volatile when the Dom and the sub are partners out of a scene. But I think the biggest thing is that the love that they have for each other becomes so interwoven and so tightly strung together that it's impenetrable.  I know that nothing can or will ever come between me and Jerome. He's my big Dominant Chocolate Teddy Bear.

Jerome: Yeah, what Jamie said. I know for me, I can always look at a couple and tell if they're partners outside of it. Their love and need for each other is almost visible. Like you can reach out and touch it. It's real cool man.

3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?

Jamie: By the end of our first scene I knew that I wanted Jerome for a longer time frame than just that one time, but I had other Doms that I "played" with and plus Jerome didn't seem the type that was ready to settle down. But the more scenes we did together the less I wanted to be with anyone else. Then one night he called me over, but not to play or to do a scene, he took me out to dinner and dancing and then at the end of the night all he did was kiss me on the forehead and then left. That was when I knew that he was supposed to be mine.

Jerome: I fell in love with the Jamie by the end of our first scene. I came so hard that I was shaking. I could hardly talk and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and never let go, so I did the next best thing, I found a few more subs and started playing around, but none of them made me cum like Jamie did, none of them made me feel like Jamie did. I started having dreams about him. Started seeing him everywhere I went. I thought he was stalking me and then I thought he was haunting me. I heard he had other Doms and I was livid like a rabid pit bull. I was talking to a friend of mine just angry as shit and he pointed out to me that Jamie wasn't mine to be feeling like that about him and I yelled out that he was mine and no one was allowed to touch him. That was when I knew. I also knew I had to sort of date him and shit because he wasn't going to go for it any other way. So that's what I did. But I was already in love with him while making sure that he was in love with me.

Jamie: I didn't know that baby. I'm trying not to cry over here.

Jerome: Damn, you're such a queen sometime sweetheart.

Jamie: You're probably crying too jack ass.

Jerome: I'll jack your ass.

******************Yeah, let me step in and say that I had to cut out the rest of this part.**************************

4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?

Jamie: A lack of imagination?

Jerome: No, this is a trick question, is the answer....spreader bars?

Jamie: (clapping) Good answer baby, good answer.

Jerome: Survey says!

Jamie: Okay, seriously, Vic to answer your question. I think that the biggest difference is that when you're in a D/s relationship everything is heightened. The emotions, the experiences, all of it. Because everything is on a deeper level in a D/s relationship. And everything is 100%. A Dom is giving 100% of himself to his sub and the sub is giving 100% of his control and his freedom to his Dom. I haven't really had any relationships outside of the Lifestyle, so I don't really have much to base this on, but a lot of relationships that aren't in the Lifestyle don't have that. Emotions seem to start on the surface and then become deeper in a "normal" relationship. But in a D/s relationship, everything starts deep and then just gets deeper. I think that's why D/s relationships and marriages tend to last so long, because it's so much about learning the deep stuff of each other, the inner workings of their mind, their emotions and feelings and fears and deep seeded desires and then digging a little deeper.

Jerome: And playing off of what Jamie said, which I completely agree with Baby Jay,

Jamie: Thanks sweetheart.

Jerome: You're welcome. With a D/s relationship, you never stop digging. In most "normal" relationships, people just stop. When they get engaged, when they get married, after they hear "I love you" for the first time, they just stop digging deeper, they stop searching for that inner place in their partner(s). In a D/s relationship you understand that you're never supposed to stop digging, never supposed to stop searching. As human beings we are always growing, changing and shifting, if you stop digging then you'll be looking for the old man that you fell in love with and not seeing the new man that he's evolved into.

Vic: Damn, Jerome, that was deep dude. Can I put that in my book?

Jerome: Hell yeah. You talking about "Mark Me"? The one with you and that dude. Your LC sub?

Vic: Yeah. And he's not my LC yet.

Jerome: He will be. Just don't stop digging and he will be.

5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?

Jamie: You were there! You could answer this question without us!!

Vic: Just answer the damn question Jamie before I tell Jerome to make you take out your damn plug.

Jamie: (sticks out tongue) I don't know that our ceremony was completely different from a wedding, because we were getting married at the same time that we were doing the collaring ceremony. We had decorations, streamers, etc. I think the biggest difference outside of Jerome putting the collar on me was the fact that we didn't have too much of the extra frivolousness. No one sang at our wedding.

Jerome: Even though we tried to get you to Vic.

Vic: Nope, ain't doing it. Maybe at my own I will.

Jerome: Bastard.

Vic: Your mama.

Jamie: EXCUSE ME! I was having a moment here!

Jerome: Are you yelling at me?

Jamie: No sir.

Jerome: Okay then, finish what you were saying baby.

Jamie: But outside of all of that, our collaring ceremony was pretty much like a wedding. It WAS a wedding. It's just that we got to the vows a lot quicker. It was a bigger level of commitment and vows of loyalty and compassion and understanding. When you're in a D/s relationship you see the worst of your partner almost at the beginning of the relationship, I think that goes a long way towards crafting a deeper, more emotionally strong relationship, so when you're having a collaring ceremony it's a deeper, more emotional commitment. I know that during our ceremony it was so much more than just me marrying the man that I loved. I was marrying my Dom, my sir, the man who had promised to take care of me, the man who had been taking care of me. I was pledging my life, my love and eternal devotion to someone I'd already pledged my control, my freedom, my will and my decisions to. I was pouring the rest of me that he didn't already have, into him and our lives together. I think that's the biggest difference.

Jerome: I felt the same way. Here was this man who my life was already so wrapped around, you know? My every breath and my very existence was to be Jamie's Dom, he'd changed his name to be with me, he'd been freely giving me his control for years, but for me, selfish asshole that I am, I wasn't satisfied with just that. I wanted all of him. Every single part. And one thing that not a lot of people know, and it's not true for every Dom, but it is true for a lot of us, it doesn't take too many scenes for us to know whether the person we're with will only ever be a sub to us or if one day that person, that sub, could be THE ONE for us. We know from talking to them, from how we feel when the scene is over. It only takes a few for us. Doms can fall just as hard for a sub as a sub can fall for a Dom. So here I am during this ceremony and I'm pledging my life to someone I'd already given my heart and soul to. Because that's what we do as Doms, we pour ourselves into our subs, but the ones that we collar? Those are the ones that we're pouring our souls into and we all hope that one day the person that we're pouring our souls into will return the favor and give us their soul in return. So when we have that collaring commitment ceremony, which is so much different than just a regular collaring, we're receiving the soul of the person that we've already given our soul to, we're being made whole again. We're becoming one Dom, one sub for all time and I think that's what makes the ceremony different from a wedding ceremony. A wedding is two people joining their lives and becoming one unit, two separate entities moving toward the same goal. A collaring ceremony is two halves of the same whole declaring to all that they moved as one now.

Vic: Like one grounded and the other one flying?

Jerome: Exactly like that.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?

Jamie: Not that I can think of.

Jerome: Nope I'm all good except to say that a collaring ceremony is precious and sacred. Doms take it very seriously and subs take it seriously as well, or atleast they should. People shouldn't scoff at that, because for us? It's just like a wedding ceremony.

Jamie: But better.

Jerome: Definitely better.

Thank you to Jerome and Jamie for agreeing to the interview!

The rest of the week we'll hear from our favorite subs on this same matter.

Happy Spankingz,

The Dom

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership

For some people the Dom/sub relationship seems like a business transaction. There are contracts, rules, stipulations, opt-out clauses. They don't see the amount of caring and affection that's involved in true relationship between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub.

I had already planned to ask my mentor Jerome and his sub/husband, Jamie, to talk about their relationship this week, but after a discussion in a group that I'm in last night, I figured that I'd kick off this week's blogs.

There are 5 questions that I asked Jerome and Jamie and I'm going to answer them as well. Before I do that though I want to share with you what I shared in the group about how loving the D/s relationship actually is:

(Regarding the Dom headspace):

When I'm in a Dom head space my world and my gaze is focused on my sub. Most subs describe their sub head space as a "floating" sensation. I feel "grounded." Everything is much more heightened, my shoulders feel broader and I feel this deep connection with my sub. My every nerve, every cell in my body, is connected to him, I'm trying to get him to that place where he floats, where he is sated and happy because it makes me that way. I'm taking the control that he's giving me and I'm turning it and molding it into something a little bit easier for him to manage and to carry when the scene is over.

I feel like a potter during a scene. I'm molding my sub to be a better "them" when I say "Scene over." I'm pouring all of me, all of my strength and power and control into them, since they've given me theirs, so I have to make sure that they can handle it.

Then when a scene is over, they're drained and I'm still pulsing with energy so I have the Aftercare, where I'm cradling them in my arms, taking care of them, making sure that they come down from floating and it's during that time where I'm releasing all of that pent-up energy and finding my own center again. Sort of like releasing the lightning bolts that I held in my hand so that I can surround my sub in the softness of the clouds and then place them firmly back on Earth, with me.

That's a Dom head space.

(Regarding the affection in a D/s relationship):
I think for me it's best way for me to love on someone. I'm taking care of them. In a "scene" it's all about him. I'm not focused on me at all. Doms are very selfless (well, good Doms are), because we're so focused on our subs, because the scene and the Aftercare is all about them.  Even the instructions that we give them it's all about making them better.

There are certain relationships like Master/slave that are the opposite. The Master is being cared for by the slave. And then the whole Sadist/Masochist one.

But the Dom/sub is one of genuine caring and affection. Yeah for some couples the title is there. It's there for D***** and I right now because he's still "in training," but I could see us being like Jerome and Jamie at some point. When the Dom and sub are only ever D/s then they do tend to be more of a business type of transaction, but when the slip into that caring part, when the "Boy" becomes "Baby" and "Sir" becomes "Honey" or "Vic" or whatever, then that's when, although it's still a D/s relationship it becomes more like a marriage. With very clear roles for each person, with one person taking care of the other person and giving to the other person by allowing that person to give to them.

D***** told me tonight that all he wants to do is make me happy, seconds before I said the same thing to him.

The sub doesn't want to disappoint the Dom and the Dom doesn't want to ever betray the trust that the sub has given him.

And no, the whole titles and control/submission thing doesn't work for everyone and in a part of my brain I even understand that, especially when D***** calls me "sir", but I know that for him it's a matter of him showing me respect and it's just as much a term of endearment as someone else calling their DH or their S/O "dear" or "baby" or "honey." It's just got a negative connotation added to it by people who don't understand. 

The Aftercare of a scene is the most loving part of being in a D/s relationship, it's one of the reasons that I'm so upset that D***** lives so far away. It's the time when I'm taking care of my sub. Cleaning him up, rubbing his body and his limbs, soothing him from his high with my words, telling him how good he did, how happy he made me.

You don't get that with a lot of regular relationships, it's like "Cum and Done." Some of them are more loving but in the D/s relationship, in a real one, a "normal" one, it's a requirement.

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?
I was 19, having sex with my boyfriend and he'd smacked my ass. For some reason, it pissed me off, so I smacked his, but that turned me a lot. After that all I wanted to do was smack his ass, tie him up and have my way with him. I went to "Ask Jeeves" (yes, this is when was and typed in "Why do I want to keep spanking my boyfriend during sex?" and Jeeves gave me information on the BDSM Lifestyle. I did some research and then went to a BDSM club in Tampa. That's where I met Jerome and Jamie. The rest is history.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?
Honestly? I used to be against it. Like firmly against it. At least for myself. I could see how it worked for some people. Like Jamie and Jerome, but I couldn't see how it would work for me, because I'm so Dom in the bedroom, but outside of it, I can have moments of just being "Vic," sometimes extremely unsure and needing to be held my damn self. So, I knew that for me I'd probably need a sub AND a partner, just to be completely satisfied.

That was before I met Daniel and Katharina and so many other subs who really made my eyes open to the beauty of having a partner INSIDE of the D/s relationship. Of having someone who knows when you need to take control, of having someone who's always there for you to care for and who cares for you in return. The D/s Lifestyle is so deeply emotional and connected and personal, it's hard not to start to feel some type of emotion for your sub anyway, for me it was just a matter of opening my mind to the idea that that emotion could spill over into all areas of my life.

And once I found my current sub I began to see him in all parts of my life. Not just as a sub, but as a partner. I realized that with a D/s relationship the rules are very set, but it's already a partnership, the sub gives their control to the Dom and the Dom turns around and pours their strength and energy into the sub. That's what a partnership is.

3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?
LOL. Well, sub isn't my partner yet, but I am toying with the idea. *Blushes*

I think for me it was the moment that he said that he didn't want my marks on anyone else but him. That he wanted to be the only one that I fucked, the only one that I put my marks on. In that moment it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm not saying that I completely made up my mind and I'm ready to go on one knee and propose to him just yet, but I am saying that in that moment, I saw us in more of a partnership as well as a Dom/sub relationship, because that was when I realized that that possession went both ways. I'm just as much his as he is mine. He wants to make me happy and I want to take care of him and we both want to work our damndest to make sure that we accomplish our goals in that area. That sounds like a pretty awesome marriage/partnership to me, don't you think?

4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?
You mean besides the lack of whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, butt plugs, dildos, spreader bars, nipple clamps, floggers, crops, paddles, rope, canes, gags, blindfolds, and leather?

Hhmmm, probably not much. I think it's probably a trust thing. The trust between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub is so much deeper than the trust between any other couple out there. The sub isn't just trusting that their Dom(me) is going to care for them. They are trusting them with their control, their lives, their minds, their freedom to make choices and decisions during a "scene" and sometimes out of it if their relationship is 24/7. The level of trust between them is so much deeper and because of that, it makes the level of caring so much deeper. That level of possessiveness is deeper as well. Doms tend to be extremely, extremely possessive of their subs, but subs know that. They give themselves to us, they're being "taken" by us.

That's probably another really big difference. The sub is giving themselves, all of themselves, every nuance and cell and matter, every touch and breath and heartbeat, to their Dom(me), that level of complete selflessness doesn't happen in most other relationships. And that's just when they're purely D/s, when you add that commitment and that contract for a lifetime? Wow!

5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?
Well I haven't actually had one of my own yet. I'm planning on changing that very soon. But from the ones that I've seen, it's almost surreal. A lot of weddings I've been to are so...over-the-top. This person sings, this person reads, this person dances, by the time the bride and groom, or the two grooms, or the two brides, finally get to saying their vows, I'm sitting in the audience about to fall asleep, or standing at the altar about to fall asleep (because I can perform weddings and commitment ceremonies, you know).

But the collaring commitment ceremonies? They're so straight-forward and to the point. But to me, they seem so much deeper. The Dom and sub are pledging complete devotion to each other. The sub is giving themselves into the protection of the Dom, giving themselves into the safe-keeping, the care, the arms, of the Dom. Whereas the Dom is proclaiming to all how truly priceless this sub is, how they are promising to never mistreat this sub, they are promising to never betray the trust that the sub has placed in them, they are promising to always treat that sub, their sub, as the treasure that they are.

I see it like this, during a collaring commitment ceremony, the gods, the heavens, the Fates, are placing this priceless jewel into my safekeeping and I am being charged to guard it, to care for it, to see it become the best display, the best jewel that it can be. I am being blessed with a role, a position as this jewel's guardian, charged to protect it, charged to love it, charged to keep it from harm. I am not only taking this jewel into myself, but I am putting myself into this jewel. I will be grounded and hold onto this jewel and watch it soar.

It's humbling, it's liberating and freeing and exhilarating. There's no need for me to be reminded to "care for them in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish them, to forsake all others...until death do you part," that's a given, I've been doing that already. That collaring ceremony is just me saying that I will continue to treat that sub as the priceless, gods-given treasure that I have been implored to care for, for all the rest of our days together.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?
Not really. The only thing that's left for me to say is that the D/s relationship is not for everyone and there are couples out there who are more solid than some D/s couples that I know, but that's because everyone has to do what's right for them. I would never ask my sub to not be a sub anymore if I ever lose part of my brain and can't be a Dom anymore, no matter how much I'd care for him at that point, I'd find him someone that could give him what he needed. That's the biggest thing. You have to do what's right for you, no one else and you can't let someone tell you what's right for you in matters like this. If you want to be a Dom or a sub, then be one, just do it the right way, do it the safe way. If you and your Dom or sub, want to make that commitment to each other, do it, regardless of what others may say, because that's what's right for you.

As a Dom I try to make sure that I'm doing what's right for my sub at all times whether I'm with him or not. Plain and simple, because in our relationship, he is what's important. Case closed, end of story.

Happy Spankingz!

The Dom

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Blog Pimpage: PANTS OFF REVIEWS: Whats Happening: BDSM WEEK

So you all know that I keep my eyes open for great sites for you to check out and if you're not reading you really should be (and no, you don't have to just read my stuff). This week there's a very special "BDSM Week" going on over at Pants Off Reviews and DarienMoya is going to be reviewing some great BDSM books. I've read all of the books that will be reviewed and I'm looking forward to reading Darien's take on them.

We here at P,S,D&T are having a special week as well, but you'll hear more about that later.

So if you get a chance, go check out Pants Off Reviews this week. I'm sure you'll be glad that you did.

Happy Spankingz!

The Dom

PANTS OFF REVIEWS: Whats Happening: BDSM WEEK: Howdy everyone, and man do I have a treat for you that will last for the next 2 weeks. It will be Awesmazing! I have decided to do a theme ...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Handkerchief Code

So you're out walking and you see a large man walking away from you. He's got on a leather jacket, a pair of jeans and a leather cap, complete with a pair of black boots. He's totally hot to you and all you can think about is climbing him like a tree. As your eyes are traveling over his legs you see a navy blue handkerchief in his left back pocket and in his right back pocket you see a black handkerchief next to a red one and a brown one.  You are confused, what the hell does that mean? Because it has to mean something right?

It does. And thanks to Wikipedia ( and Silver Publishing (which totally got me thinking about this) I'm going to break down the handkerchief code for you. And just so you know, if I was still wearing them, I would wear a few different ones: black, black velvet, black leather, houndstooth, beige, fuschia, lime, dark pink, magenta, robin egg blue, teal, light pink, navy blue, light blue, white (for safe sex only), Jolly Roger, black and white checkerboard and a grey handkerchief. If you want to know what they mean, look over the list.

Happy Spankings!!

The Dom

Handkerchief code or hanky code (also known as bandana code and flagging) is color-coded system, employed usually among the gay male casual-sex seekers or BDSM practitioners in theleather subculture in the United States, Canada and Europe, to indicate preferred fetishes, what kind of sex they are seeking, and whether they are a top/dominant or bottom/submissive. The hanky code was widely used in the 1970s by gay and bisexual men, and grew from there to include all genders and orientations.
Today, wearing color-coded handkerchiefs (bandanas), usually in the back pocket or around the belt loop, is the manner in which communication of desires and fetishes is achieved. Wearing a handkerchief on the left side of the body typically indicates one is a "Top" (one considered active in the practice of the fetish indicated by the color of the handkerchief), while wearing it on the right side of the body would indicate one is a "bottom" (one considered passive in the practice of the fetish indicated by the color of the handkerchief). This left-right reality is taken from the earlier practice of tops wearing their keys on the left belt loop and bottoms on the right to indicate being a member of the leather subculture. In the past bandanas might be worn tied around the neck (with the knot positioned on either the left or right side); around the ankle (when wearing boots or when undressed); or on other parts of the body.
There is no universally understood color code, and regional codes vary widely. There is general agreement upon the colors for more common practices, particularly those with an intuitive relation between the color and the practice, such as yellow for urolagnia; brown for coprophilia; and black for SM, but no absolute consensus for more common practices.

The wearing of various colored bandanas around the neck was common in the mid- and late-nineteenth century among cowboyssteam railroad engineers, and miners in the Western United States. It is thought that the wearing of bandanas by gay men originated in San Francisco after the Gold Rush, when, because of a shortage of women, men dancing with each other in square dancesdeveloped a code wherein the man wearing the blue bandana took the male part in the square dance, and the man wearing the red bandana took the female part (these bandanas were usually worn around the arm or hanging from the belt or in the back pocket of one's jeans). There is also another theory that the modern Hanky Code started in New York City in late 1970 or early 1971 when a journalist for the Village Voice joked that instead of simply wearing keys to indicate whether someone was a "top" or a "bottom", it would be more efficient to subtly announce their particular sexual focus by wearing different colored hankies.[1]

The first table is drawn from Larry Townsend's The Leatherman's Handbook II (i.e., the second edition of the book in 1983, the first edition of which came out in 1972 and did not include this list),[2]and may be taken as more authoritative than most web pages. Implicit in this list of hankie color codes is the concept of right/left polarity, left as usual indicating the top, dominant, or active partner, right the bottom, submissive, or passive partner. Purple, the code for piercing, merely indicates an interest in piercing (usually that the wearer has body piercings), not necessarily that they wish to incorporate piercing into sexual play.
     Dark blueAnal sex
     Light blueOral sex
     OrangeAnything, anywhere, any time (but not necessarily anyone)
     PurpleInto piercing

The long, elaborate lists such as that in the next table and most found on the web, are more imaginative and the many color codes in them are less often used in practice, although most of the colors in longer lists are offered as bandanas for sale at almost all LGBT leather stores along with free color code cards listing their meanings.
The following table is derived from the color code cards provided free by LGBT leather stores. The left/right distinction indicates a desire to be the top or bottom respectively. It can also signal whether, in various fetishes, one desires to be the active or passive participant in the act, though which is which is more ambiguous depending on the act's nature. Due to regional differences, not all of these may be correct for all locations.

     BlackHeavy S&MIndicates the wearer's interest in hardcore SM play, especially whipping.[3][4]
     RedFistingLeft pocket: Insertive partner. Right pocket: Receptive partner.[3][4]
     YellowWatersportsUrinating on or in (left), or being urinated upon or into by (right), another person[3][4]
     GreyBondagePlay involving ropes, handcuffs, or other restraints that limit the bottom's ability to move. In some codes, grey is also indicative of a desire for light S&M (not as hardcore as wearing Black)[3][4]
     WhiteSafe sex (a checkered black and white hanky is also indicative of safe sex) or masturbation onlyPlay only involving safe sex, masturbation, or mutual masturbation. In some codes, it is also indicative of "vanilla sex only" in the cases when the wearer is a leather fetishist but not into BDSM play
     Light blueOral sexWearing it in the left back pocket or on the left side indicates willingness to receive oral sex. Wearing it in the right back pocket or on the right side indicates desire to perform oral sex.
     Navy blueAnal sexWearing it in the left back pocket or on the left side indicates a preference to be the insertive partner (the "top" or "pitcher") during anal intercourse. Wearing it in the right back pocket or on the right side indicates a preference to be in the receptive role (the "bottom" or "catcher").
     Light pinkDildos
     CharcoalLatex and PVC fetishism[note 1]
     Medium blueUniform fetishPolice uniforms or uniforms worn by other authority figures
     TealCock and ball torture
     KhakiMilitary sex (Uniform fetish)Likes wearing military uniforms
     Olive drabMilitary person[note 2]Left: A military top; Right: a military bottom
     Kelly greenMale prostitutionLeft: a male prostitute; right: a John (someone looking for a prostitute)
     Hunter greenDaddy/boy sexLooking for a boy (left) or looking for a Daddy (right).
     Mint greenMommy/boy or girlLooking for a baby boy or girl (left) or looking for a Mommy (right).
     Burnt umberExtreme sexExtreme sex such as branding; or sex that is taboo even among most people in the leather subculture, e.g. pederasty or bestiality.[note 3] Some say[who?] it's an inside joke.
     OrangeFew limitsWhen worn on the left, orange indicates that the wearer will top in relatively any fetish, anytime, anywhere. Conversely, when orange is worn on the right, it can indicate either the wearer will bottom in relatively any fetish, anytime, anywhere or can indicate "just looking, no play".
     Robin egg blue (Pale robin egg blue)69
     Deep aqua (printer's cyan)AquaphiliaHaving sex in water, such as in a bathtubshowerhot tub, or swimming pool (see bunga bunga orgy)
     LimeFood playEating food off someone's body or having food eaten off one's body
     ChamoiseMotorcycle sexIndicates the wearer is looking for sex involving a motorcycle as a prop, or involving one or more bikers in the sexual activities.
     MauveNavel fetish
     Dark pinkTit torture
     Magenta (printer's magenta)ArmpitsLeft: likes to lick armpits; right: likes armpits licked; hairy armpits (on females); general armpit play.
     FuchsiaSpankingWants to spank (left); wants to be spanked (right)
     Purple[note 4]PiercingsActually piercing someone (left) or actually being pierced by someone (right) as an erotic stimulation; or one who has piercings (left) or one who desires someone with piercings (right)
     Lavender (bright lavender)Cross-dressing
     CoralFoot fetishismWants feet licked (left); wants to lick feet (right)
     Mustard (gold ochre)[note 5]Size queen
     Gold (golden)Ménage à troisTwo looking for one (left) or one looking for two (right)
     Brick RedBlood PlayWhipping with the intention of causing bleeding[note 6]
     SandSweat & TearsUsing tears and sweat as lubricant for intercourse. Also includes drinking sweat & tears
     ApricotChubby chaser
     PeachBear or cub who is interested in sex with another bear or cub
     Light yellowSpittingLeft—wants to spit on or into partner during sex; right—wants to be spat upon or into during sex
     Beige (desert sand)[note 7]Anal–oral sex
     TanCigar playLeft—want to smoke a cigar while having sex; right—wants someone who smokes cigars while having sex (may also include the insertion of a cigar into various bodily orifices)
     RustAnimal roleplay[note 8]
     Dark redTwo-handed Anal fisting[note 9]
Camouflage.svg CamouflageRugged outdoorsmanHaving sex outdoors in the country (such as when going camping)
Greengingham.jpg GinghamUrban outdoorsmanHaving sex in an urban park
PinkArgyle.svg ArgyleGeeksA geek or nerd (left) or interested in geeks or nerds (right)[note 10]
Wheat 2641t.jpg Doily (an actual doily, not a bandana with a doily pattern)Tearoom tradeLikes to have sex in public lavatories
     Gold (metallic gold) laméMuscle sexLeft—is a bodybuilder; right—looking for sex with a bodybuilder
     Silver (metallic silver) laméStarfuckerLeft—is a rock star, celebrity or male groupie; right—looking for sex with a rock star, celebrity or male groupie
Black leather bandanaLeather fetish
Black velvet bandanaVideotapingLikes to make videotapes of the act while having sex (left); likes to be videotaped (right) (see amateur pornography)[note 11]
Jolly-Roger.png Jolly Roger bandanaClothing fetishLikes to wear a (non-military) costume while having sex (left); desires someone in a costume (right).[note 12]
Gray flannel bandanaSuit and tie fetishLeft—likes to have sex while wearing a suit and tie; right—likes to have sex with someone who is wearing a suit and tie.
Hundtandsrutor.png HoundstoothBitingLikes to bite (Left) or likes to be bitten (right)
Checkerboard pattern.svg Black and whitecheckerboard patternSafe sexe.g., frottage, sword play, or mutual masturbation or striptease in front of mirrors[note 13]
ChromeThug SexThug (left) Thuggett (right)
Plaid patternGingers RedheadsNatural redhead (left) Likes redheads, "redophile" (right)
Baby Blanket MaterialAgeplay or Infantalism


  1. ^ The color charcoal was chosen because dark-gray rubber was formerly the most common material associated with this fetish. Although rubber is still used, today PVC and latex are more commonly used for this fetish.
  2. ^ A "Military person" means someone who is actually in the military but is wearing mufti so they have to signal that they are in the military by wearing an olive drab bandana.
  3. ^ This bandana color is very seldom seen actually being worn.
  4. ^ The shade of purple used for the purple bandana is the shade now known as HTML/CSS Purple, even though of course the bandana code was invented long before web colors.
  5. ^ The color called mustard in the bandana code is identical to the color called goldenrod in Wikipedia (the color calledmustard in Wikipedia is much lighter than the mustard colored bandana).
  6. ^ This fetish is much more common among lesbians than gay men because of the fact that women menstruate; in addition, almost all men today view this fetish as much too dangerous because of the possibility of infection with HIV.
  7. ^ The color called beige in the bandana code is identical to the color called desert sand in Wikipedia (it is common for 
  8. those in the baby boom generation to mistakenly think of beige as being the color desert sand because in the 1960s,AT&T marketed a colored telephone for offices and homes in a color they called "beige" which was actually the colordesert sand.).
  9. ^ This fetish is usually described as "a cowboy and his horse" on the cards listing the meanings of the colors of the bandana code that are given out at leather stores.
  10. ^ If someone has small hands with long fingers, it is possible to insert two hands at once while fisting someone.
  11. ^ This pattern first came into use about the year 1998 with the rise of geek culture during the dot-com era.
  12. ^ This bandana did not come into use until about the year 2000, when inexpensive video cameras became widely available.
  13. ^ This is to distinguish between uniform/military fetish and a fetish for novelty costumes, such as a pirate.
  14. ^ This bandana pattern came into use in 1983 as a response to the AIDS crisis.


  1. ^ Susan Stryker and Jim Van Buskirk Gay by the Bay: A History of Queer Culture in the San Francisco Bay Area San Francisco:1996--Chronicle Books ISBN 0-8118-1187-5 Page 18
  2. ^ Townsend, Larry (1983), The Leatherman's Handbook II, New York: Modernismo Publications, p. 26, ISBN 0-89237-010-6
  3. a b c d e Hankycode on access date 2010-05-22
  4. a b c d e Hankycode on access date 2010-05-22

[edit]Further reading

[edit]External links