Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Coveted Collar

You may have seen them.  Collars worn around people's necks.  Some of them are fashionable, some of them are leather, some of them you barely even notice.  You may have been confused, intrigued, disgusted, turned on, and if you're a sub without a permanent Dom....envious.

You see in the BDSM lifestyle, being "collared" is something that most subs crave.  It is the Dom making a commitment to the sub and the sub making one back.

Everyone is not like me, I have three collars that I give my subs: A starter collar, a long-term collar, and then the lifetime commitment collar.  That is because I was trained and I believe that any sub that I take on, I'm making a commitment to them.  I have subs that I tease with all the time.  I'm constantly amazed at how many subs tell me that they wish I were their Dom, I'm flattered that they want to give up control to me of all people and honored that they feel that way.  However, just because I flirt with them doesn't mean that I'm seriously considering taking them on as a sub.  However, they know when I start seriously considering taking them on as a sub because I'll bring up collars.  Not them, me.  Because that's how I let them know that I'm seriously checking them out for the position of someone under my protection, someone that I want to be honored by, by having them give their control to me.  That is the way I ask them (because as a Dom you won't see me shyly ask for anything to do with a sub...anything else?  Maybe.  But as far as a sub or matters to do with a sub?  Not so much).  I bring up collars and their reaction to wearing my collar is what lets me know if they deserve to have me consider them.

Every Dom has certain things that he/she (Dominatrix) checks off on their mental list when it comes to a sub.  For me some of those things are:

How well does this sub respond to my voice?
Does this sub have previous experience?
Is this sub into humiliation or water sports?
Is this a lifetime sub or a healing sub?
Is this a male sub or a female sub?
Is this sub part of a couple or single?
Does this sub get my sense of humor?
Is this a "playing" sub or a "lifestyle" sub?
Do our tastes match up?  Our desires?  Our turn-ons?

Those are just a few things that I ask myself and check off or mark "no" mentally as I'm talking with potential subs.

I'll go over each question in later posts and explain them and explain what I think about them, but back to the collars.

I have been to collaring ceremonies.  Some of them are elaborate.  I mean it's like getting married for some Doms and subs (I'm very much like that when it comes to the "lifetime commitment collar") and they tend to go ALL out for it.  Some keep it small and simple.  But for each Dom/sub relationship it's different.

Jerome and his sub (who is also his partner) had a commitment ceremony and during the ceremony Jerome not only gave his partner a wedding ring to wear on his left hand, but he gave him a collar to wear around his neck that matched his wedding ring.

C'mon, even I got choked up over that one.

I always knew that one day I'd either have a sub who was my partner or I'd have both a sub and a partner.  I knew that I'd have someone who I'd made that lifetime commitment to who when I saw them and told them to drop their pants and assume the position so that I could spank their ass red with my paddle or my hand and then rim them until they got off and then fuck them into next week, while they're restrained and with a ball gag in their mouth, that that special person would do it, no questions asked.

You see even though subs covet the collar so that they can have that assurance that their Dom is making a commitment to them, so that they can have that feeling of possession and trust and care, we Doms crave a sub or subs to give a collar to.  We want to see someone walking around with our collar on, because it's just as much of a turn on, if not more of one, as seeing our marks on their flesh (and that's a HUGE turn on for us).

Here are some pictures for the types of collars that I use personally.

The first is the starter collar:

Then there is the collar for a sub that I've decided to take on long-term:

Chrome Slave Collar

Then there is the lifetime commitment collars that I have yet to actually give to someone, but I'm hoping that I will have a sub to give this to soon, there is one who, just from talking to him, seems to have great potential, but we'll see and I'll, of course, keep you all updated.  But here's the collar:

And he'll get this one also:

Darby Style Collar RestraintDarby Style Collar Restraint

Remember that every Dom is different, some are not as...sentimental but just like subs we all covet the collar, whether we're the ones giving it or receiving it.


The Dom

I found this great article about collars here, that goes a little more into depth about them and the different types: (


What A Collar Means

Collaring is when a Dom/me claims a sub as their own. This can be literal--actually placing a collar around the neck of the submissive--or it can be figurative and be an understanding between the people involved. Often the literal option is chosen, because the collar is recognized within the community as a mark of ownership.
Collars are, again, a mark of ownership. Collars mean that a Dom/me has exclusive rights to the sub that is wearing their collar, and that he or she makes any decision that affects that sub. In some communities it is accepted that a person will check with the Dom/me before any interaction, even conversation, with the submissive. Most communities are not this formal, but that doesn't mean that the Dom/me does not have complete control over what is done to the sub that is wearing his or her collar. To touch, molest, use, or require something of a collared submissive by someone who is not their owner and is not acting under the owner's instruction is considered unforgivably rude. It is valid and acceptable for a sub to ignore an order from a Dom/me who is not their owner or is not sanctioned by their owner.
The collar means, besides ownership, that the Dom/me has agreed to the care and protection of the submissive. The education, behavior, nurturing, and punishment of the submissive all fall to the Dom/me who has placed the collar. If there is a problem with the sub, or if there is something desired of the sub, their Dom/me should be consulted first. Never assume you have any rights to a collared sub that is not your own.
Collaring is a serious step. By placing a collar, you are agreeing that this person is in your care, or you are agreeing that you will surrender your personal power to this person for as long as you wear their collar. It is a step that should be weighed carefully and not jumped into blindly. Make sure, before the collar is placed/accepted, that you and your Dom/me agree on what that collar means to you both.

Collaring Ceremonies

Collaring is much like taking wedding vows, and as such there are formal collaring ceremonies that can be performed. Master and I did not do this; rather we found a quiet spot and spoke of what placing the collar meant, and what we would both do to honor those promises.
A collaring ceremony can be private, as ours was, or you can involve friends. It's up to you and your Dom/me, really, how formal and public you wish to make this step. There are formal collaring ceremonies, often written for the Gorean lifestyle. Collaring is generally not undertaken in the general public, as it's seen as a very personal and private thing. If you do choose to make it public, be sure that all of those in the immediate area are comfortable with witnessing this part of your life. Keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Different Kinds of Collars

Collars can take many forms. They can be made of leather; they can be simple jewelry chains; they can be necklaces; they can be locked in place and the key kept by the Dom/me; they can be permanently linked around the neck; they can be worn 24/7; they can be only worn when in bed, or when in a scene, or when in the home, or when in the presence of your Dom/me; collars are only limited by your imagination. Check the sites listed on the Toy Box/Toy Stores page for ideas.
Collars do not necessarily have to go around the neck, either. If there are reasons a person cannot wear something around their neck, anything given to them and worn with the understanding that comes with a collar is perfectly valid. For stylistic reasons, some people choose body piercings to be their 'collars'. I wear a my leather collar for all to see; my labia rings cannot be seen but are just as significant between me and my Master, as he gave the permission and was there for their placement.
A consideration for collars is whether the collar can be worn in public, and the situations the submissive will face wearing a collar in public. If you are a high-level executive, it is impractical to wear a 4" wide black leather posture collar to work. For this reason, a fine chain or necklace that can be tucked under clothing may be a better choice.
At this stage in my life, I do not have anyone other than my Master that I must answer to. For this reason, I wear my collar (a black 1.5" leather collar) 24/7. It is understood, however, that I can take it off when I feel it is necessary. As I write this I am not wearing my collar; I have taken it off to let a sore spot on my neck heal. I do not wear my collar in the bath; this is to protect the leather. No matter why I've taken it off, however, I am always aware of the agreement that my collar signifies and always honor that.
Collars can also be metaphorical. There are reasons you may need a collar that cannot be seen. For this sort of thing, agree between yourself and your Dom/me what the collar means, what is expected of you while you 'wear' it, when you will 'wear' it, and under what grounds you may 'remove' it. This requires a lot of talk and a lot of agreement, but this sort of collar is just as strong as a physical collar.

Caring for a Collar

A collar is traditionally the possession of the Dom/me, left in the care of the submissive. As such it is understood that it is the sub's duty to care for the collar, keeping it safe and cleaning it when necessary. This is applicable, obviously, only to collars that can be removed.

Leather Collars

If the collar is leather, use a good saddle soap (such as Fiebings' Saddle Soap, though there are many good saddle soaps out there) to wash it occasionally. Using a soft cloth, dampen the cloth, rub the cloth in the soap, work the cloth over the collar, dry the collar and work it through the hands until it is completely dry. NEVER get a leather collar wet (in the bath, swimming) and then allow it to dry while in place. It is leather and it will stiffen from straight water (that's why you use saddle soap) and leather shrinks when it dries. If for some reason it does get wet, take it off and work it through your hands until it dries. It is impractical to place a permanent leather collar.

'Jewelry' Collars

Sometimes the collar is not the stereotypical leather collar, but rather a chain or necklace that can be worn in public and not attract attention. These can be removable, or they can be permanently linked around the neck of the submissive. If it is removable, a good silver cleaner or jewelry cleaner gotten from a jeweller's will clean the collar well. It's a bad idea to clean permanent 'jewelry' collars while they are in place, as the chemicals that clean silver and gold can be caustic to the skin.

'Collar Rules'

If a collar is not worn 24/7, it is the sub's duty to make sure it is within easy reach at all times. It may also be their duty to place it around their neck at certain times (for example, upon entering the home), but this is often determined by the Dom/me and sub together. It is unspoken that the sub will remember their 'collar rules' and not need to be reminded once they are established.
As the submissive wearing your Dom/mes collar, it is up to you to honor and defend that collar when your Dom/me is not around. It was placed around your neck with the understanding that you gave up your personal power to your Dom/me. While you wear that collar, it is expected that you will obey any orders that have been set for you, even if no one is watching. To defy a rule while wearing the collar of the person who made that rule would be dishonorable.
Also, you may be called upon to defend the collar if you wear it in public. I have had many people look at my collar and ask, "Is that a dog collar?" I just smile and say, "No, it is not." When questioned further, I say that it was a gift from a very precious person, and it means something very significant between the two of us. If you answer calmly and with a smile, it's a rare person that will pursue the subject. In fact, I have never had anyone challenge me further once I offer my answers.Being collared is a huge step, but it is also rewarding and gratifying. Wearing a collar is a great privilege, and should not be undertaken lightly. Each partner needs to agree about the significance of the collar; once the agreement is reached, you as a submissive are at once completely free and completely secure.


  1. Great post!!!! It was the most beautiful day in my life when I received my lifetime collar from my Dom!! For him he said it's a symbol of our love, trust and respect for each other and it is like getting married :)
    I wear my collar proudly because it represents everything I ever wanted in my life, everything I lifed and worked for in my almost 16 yrs as a sub.
    Receiving a lifetime collar is one of the most intense feelings ever (even better as being bound in Shibari) and I still feel humbled, proud, overwhelmed and honored that Sir decided to celebrate our relationship this way.

    I am sure you will find your lifetime sub, Vic. He's out there somewhere :)

  2. "there is one who, just from talking to him, seems to have great potential, but we'll see..." <<< Wheels are turning in my head, and I have a guess as to who you might be talking about. Just a guess though.

    Anyways, I'm not much of a sub person, but I do love collars (in a dark and fashionable sense) and this was an interesting post, learning how symbolic the collar can be for a D/s relationship.

  3. *Grins at Patricia* Hehehe.

    Yes the collar is very symbolic, I have a friend who wears them just in a fashionable sense as well who was approached once, because she had on one that was a "protection" collar and she was asked if I was her Dom. She got scared and said yes. It was hilarious.

    Kat: I know I'll find my lifetime sub eventually but as my Big Sis just told me, I'm going through stuff, healing and growing. I'll get him when I'm in a more firm and stable place. And thank you for sharing your experience. I might have to get you to do a guest post one day.

  4. I'd love to :) If you ever do a post about Shibari I'd love to share my experience with you. It was very intense :)

  5. That might be a good idea. We'll plan for that post the week before Christmas? Like the Thursday before December 25th? Gives you a month to write it and everything.

  6. Ok... Mail me how you like to have it :)

    I'm still working through my feelings I had during that scene... Shocked me to my core!

  7. Wow. Just wow. Those are some very nice collars.

    I think it's great that you have one for different stages of the partnership. Means the sub should know where he stands. Also nice to hear what the collar means to a dom.

    For me a collar would be a sign that I trust someone, and that I want to be their sub... whether that's with a starter, long term, or life-time collar. You know, it's a sign that I'm committed to whatever arrangement I have with the dom.

    I really can't wait until someone gives me my first collar... to know how it feels around my neck, and yet I know it wouldn't work if I just put a collar on myself. It wouldn't be given to me. It wouldn't hold the same symbolism.

    Okay, I've got a billion more thoughts going through my head, but I still need to organise them so I'll just post this now. But wow... I think I actually stopped breathing looking at those pics.

  8. You know a lot of people don't even understand that. They think that there's no true symbolism or meaning behind the collar, but it's just like a wedding ring. Yes, anyone can buy a wedding ring and put it on, I actually know people who do that, but it doesn't have the same significance as when someone buys it for you and gives it to you.

    You'll get your first collar Daniel, I'm sure of it and it won't be long after that that you'll get your lifetime commitment collar.

    And yeah, I see the collars, like I see a real life relationship. The first stage is the promise ring. The second stage is the engagement ring. And the third stage, the final and most important one: the lifetime commitment, is the wedding ring.

    That's how special and important they are to me and to my future sub (I hope).

  9. I love both your comments :) Yours Daniel because it's so great to see a new sub finding what he's looking for and yours Vic because you're a great Dom and a lot of what you said reminds me of Sir :)
    I regard myself as married because of my life-time collar and it's a wonderful feeling :)

  10. That's the thing I love about the dom/sub relationship... it's built on trust and committment. It's more than just a relationship, it's something really deep. I think most people would be jealous if they knew just how much more.

  11. Vic, the problem is people don't know. They hear Dominant and Submissive relationship and it instantly conjures up a scary looking woman in tight leather and a whip lording over a bound man. People think it's for perverts who can't get off missionary style. I didn't even know of the commitment collars represented until reading this.

    You know who you're like? Those two Myth Buster guys (never seen the show btw). You're the Dom myth buster, busting down misconceptions and informing people. ;)

    Kat and I were talking about her collar on twitter and her excitement is pretty much the same excitement I have over the ring my hubby gave me. Different: where we wear them.

  12. LOL Patty! The Dom Myth Buster. I like it! I have always loved educating people, helping them to learn new things, stretch their mind, it's one of the reasons, I believe, that I make such a good Dom. And you're right that people have an initial image of the BDSM lifestyle that is not always correct, even if you're the only one that learns from this blog site, that works for me...sort of. LOL.

    Kat: Thanks sweetz! I'll admit to loving to have my Dom ego stroked and reminding you of your own Dom is very humbling and flattering. Thank you.

    Daniel: You're very right. The Dom/sub relationship is much deeper than a lot of other relationships. There's so much trust and faith and commitment there, such a clear definition of relationship roles and such deep emotion and I think that's something that some other relationships are missing. I think it might also be why those who aren't involved in a BDSM relationship have such a hard time understanding such a deep and powerful relationship.

  13. I agree Vic. It's a relationship more powerful than everything else.
    I think another important part of a D/s relationship is that you know exactly where you stand (at least it is imporant to me). I have me defined place in our relationship backed by a contract between Sir and me wich was negotiated between the two of us as equal partners. My collar gives me safety and the right to stop any advances in my direction because it reflects that I am owned by Sir.
    As he said during the ceremony 'I take you on as mine, to protect you, love you, cherish you, care for you, I'll give you the freedom you search by enabling you to give me your submission. You make me stronger by giving me your strenght, trust, love and I feel honored to take it'. Makes me cry every time... :)

  14. That's really awesome Kat. It really is and it's so true about the D/s relationship about everyone knowing their place which is why I said that there are such clear relationship roles. No one is scrambling trying to figure out who is what and who does what it's very laid out and clear. It's great.

  15. Vic, me learning how a D/s relationship works, means that I have the knowledge to pass on to someone who doesn't understand. So maybe I'm one person who learned something from your posts, but I can tell others. Like a spiderweb that you're in the middle of and it spreads out through people who share your same desire to educate and help bust down misconceptions.

    You're right too, most relationships are so messy these days. There's not enough trust, faith, communication. That's why my hubby and I never rushed into marriage. We understood our relationship needed trust and that takes time. Mind you, the reason we finally got married was he got a job w/ health insurance, but before that, we had been together 7 years. It's really sad at how amazed people were when we told them how long we had been together. But you know what? We trust each other, our relationship roles are defined, and we've never had a single argument. Closest is I get PMSy, pout and take a nap.

    I'd ask how exactly Kat's relationship would be considered weird or wrong by some people, but mine isn't when it's obvious both of us have found someone we have committed to for the rest of our lives.

  16. Patty, you're so right about that whole spider thing. That was a great description.

    And you know people tend to fear that which they don't understand. They can't understand giving up control to someone else or even receiving someone else's control, or maybe they do understand it but they're fighting it and are afraid of those urges and so they tell their mind that it must be wrong and perverse and "evil". It's sad because honestly seeing someone on their knees or bent over and calling me sir or seeing my marks on their ass is such a huge turn on. I have the hardest orgasms of my life with a sub and those are also some of my most meaningful relationships as well.

  17. You know, I had to buy my own engagement and wedding rings because he didn't have a job at the time. I've never said how I feel that he's never bought me a ring himself when he had a job. (And now he's been out of a job for 3 years and is going back to school.) I feel like if I have to bring it up to get him to do it, it becomes moot and doesn't mean as much. *sigh*

    Loved the post, Vic. =)


Bend over and take the spanking!