The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership

For some people the Dom/sub relationship seems like a business transaction. There are contracts, rules, stipulations, opt-out clauses. They don't see the amount of caring and affection that's involved in true relationship between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub.

I had already planned to ask my mentor Jerome and his sub/husband, Jamie, to talk about their relationship this week, but after a discussion in a group that I'm in last night, I figured that I'd kick off this week's blogs.

There are 5 questions that I asked Jerome and Jamie and I'm going to answer them as well. Before I do that though I want to share with you what I shared in the group about how loving the D/s relationship actually is:

(Regarding the Dom headspace):

When I'm in a Dom head space my world and my gaze is focused on my sub. Most subs describe their sub head space as a "floating" sensation. I feel "grounded." Everything is much more heightened, my shoulders feel broader and I feel this deep connection with my sub. My every nerve, every cell in my body, is connected to him, I'm trying to get him to that place where he floats, where he is sated and happy because it makes me that way. I'm taking the control that he's giving me and I'm turning it and molding it into something a little bit easier for him to manage and to carry when the scene is over.

I feel like a potter during a scene. I'm molding my sub to be a better "them" when I say "Scene over." I'm pouring all of me, all of my strength and power and control into them, since they've given me theirs, so I have to make sure that they can handle it.

Then when a scene is over, they're drained and I'm still pulsing with energy so I have the Aftercare, where I'm cradling them in my arms, taking care of them, making sure that they come down from floating and it's during that time where I'm releasing all of that pent-up energy and finding my own center again. Sort of like releasing the lightning bolts that I held in my hand so that I can surround my sub in the softness of the clouds and then place them firmly back on Earth, with me.

That's a Dom head space.

(Regarding the affection in a D/s relationship):

I think for me it's best way for me to love on someone. I'm taking care of them. In a "scene" it's all about him. I'm not focused on me at all. Doms are very selfless (well, good Doms are), because we're so focused on our subs, because the scene and the Aftercare is all about them.  Even the instructions that we give them it's all about making them better.

There are certain relationships like Master/slave that are the opposite. The Master is being cared for by the slave. And then the whole Sadist/Masochist one.

But the Dom/sub is one of genuine caring and affection. Yeah for some couples the title is there. It's there for D***** and I right now because he's still "in training," but I could see us being like Jerome and Jamie at some point. When the Dom and sub are only ever D/s then they do tend to be more of a business type of transaction, but when the slip into that caring part, when the "Boy" becomes "Baby" and "Sir" becomes "Honey" or "Vic" or whatever, then that's when, although it's still a D/s relationship it becomes more like a marriage. With very clear roles for each person, with one person taking care of the other person and giving to the other person by allowing that person to give to them.

D***** told me tonight that all he wants to do is make me happy, seconds before I said the same thing to him.

The sub doesn't want to disappoint the Dom and the Dom doesn't want to ever betray the trust that the sub has given him.

And no, the whole titles and control/submission thing doesn't work for everyone and in a part of my brain I even understand that, especially when D***** calls me "sir", but I know that for him it's a matter of him showing me respect and it's just as much a term of endearment as someone else calling their DH or their S/O "dear" or "baby" or "honey." It's just got a negative connotation added to it by people who don't understand. 

The Aftercare of a scene is the most loving part of being in a D/s relationship, it's one of the reasons that I'm so upset that D***** lives so far away. It's the time when I'm taking care of my sub. Cleaning him up, rubbing his body and his limbs, soothing him from his high with my words, telling him how good he did, how happy he made me.

You don't get that with a lot of regular relationships, it's like "Cum and Done." Some of them are more loving but in the D/s relationship, in a real one, a "normal" one, it's a requirement.



1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?
I was 19, having sex with my boyfriend and he'd smacked my ass. For some reason, it pissed me off, so I smacked his, but that turned me on...like a lot. After that all I wanted to do was smack his ass, tie him up and have my way with him. I went to "Ask Jeeves" (yes, this is when Ask.com was AskJeeves.com) and typed in "Why do I want to keep spanking my boyfriend during sex?" and Jeeves gave me information on the BDSM Lifestyle. I did some research and then went to a BDSM club in Tampa. That's where I met Jerome and Jamie. The rest is history.


2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?
Honestly? I used to be against it. Like firmly against it. At least for myself. I could see how it worked for some people. Like Jamie and Jerome, but I couldn't see how it would work for me, because I'm so Dom in the bedroom, but outside of it, I can have moments of just being "Vic," sometimes extremely unsure and needing to be held my damn self. So, I knew that for me I'd probably need a sub AND a partner, just to be completely satisfied.


That was before I met Daniel and Katharina and so many other subs who really made my eyes open to the beauty of having a partner INSIDE of the D/s relationship. Of having someone who knows when you need to take control, of having someone who's always there for you to care for and who cares for you in return. The D/s Lifestyle is so deeply emotional and connected and personal, it's hard not to start to feel some type of emotion for your sub anyway, for me it was just a matter of opening my mind to the idea that that emotion could spill over into all areas of my life.


And once I found my current sub I began to see him in all parts of my life. Not just as a sub, but as a partner. I realized that with a D/s relationship the rules are very set, but it's already a partnership, the sub gives their control to the Dom and the Dom turns around and pours their strength and energy into the sub. That's what a partnership is.


3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?
LOL. Well, um...my sub isn't my partner yet, but I am toying with the idea. *Blushes*


I think for me it was the moment that he said that he didn't want my marks on anyone else but him. That he wanted to be the only one that I fucked, the only one that I put my marks on. In that moment it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm not saying that I completely made up my mind and I'm ready to go on one knee and propose to him just yet, but I am saying that in that moment, I saw us in more of a partnership as well as a Dom/sub relationship, because that was when I realized that that possession went both ways. I'm just as much his as he is mine. He wants to make me happy and I want to take care of him and we both want to work our damndest to make sure that we accomplish our goals in that area. That sounds like a pretty awesome marriage/partnership to me, don't you think?


4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?
You mean besides the lack of whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, butt plugs, dildos, spreader bars, nipple clamps, floggers, crops, paddles, rope, canes, gags, blindfolds, and leather?


Hhmmm, probably not much. I think it's probably a trust thing. The trust between a Dom and his sub or a Dominatrix and her sub is so much deeper than the trust between any other couple out there. The sub isn't just trusting that their Dom(me) is going to care for them. They are trusting them with their control, their lives, their minds, their freedom to make choices and decisions during a "scene" and sometimes out of it if their relationship is 24/7. The level of trust between them is so much deeper and because of that, it makes the level of caring so much deeper. That level of possessiveness is deeper as well. Doms tend to be extremely, extremely possessive of their subs, but subs know that. They give themselves to us, they're being "taken" by us.


That's probably another really big difference. The sub is giving themselves, all of themselves, every nuance and cell and matter, every touch and breath and heartbeat, to their Dom(me), that level of complete selflessness doesn't happen in most other relationships. And that's just when they're purely D/s, when you add that commitment and that contract for a lifetime? Wow!


5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?
Well I haven't actually had one of my own yet. I'm planning on changing that very soon. But from the ones that I've seen, it's almost surreal. A lot of weddings I've been to are so...over-the-top. This person sings, this person reads, this person dances, by the time the bride and groom, or the two grooms, or the two brides, finally get to saying their vows, I'm sitting in the audience about to fall asleep, or standing at the altar about to fall asleep (because I can perform weddings and commitment ceremonies, you know).


But the collaring commitment ceremonies? They're so straight-forward and to the point. But to me, they seem so much deeper. The Dom and sub are pledging complete devotion to each other. The sub is giving themselves into the protection of the Dom, giving themselves into the safe-keeping, the care, the arms, of the Dom. Whereas the Dom is proclaiming to all how truly priceless this sub is, how they are promising to never mistreat this sub, they are promising to never betray the trust that the sub has placed in them, they are promising to always treat that sub, their sub, as the treasure that they are.


I see it like this, during a collaring commitment ceremony, the gods, the heavens, the Fates, are placing this priceless jewel into my safekeeping and I am being charged to guard it, to care for it, to see it become the best display, the best jewel that it can be. I am being blessed with a role, a position as this jewel's guardian, charged to protect it, charged to love it, charged to keep it from harm. I am not only taking this jewel into myself, but I am putting myself into this jewel. I will be grounded and hold onto this jewel and watch it soar.


It's humbling, it's liberating and freeing and exhilarating. There's no need for me to be reminded to "care for them in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish them, to forsake all others...until death do you part," that's a given, I've been doing that already. That collaring ceremony is just me saying that I will continue to treat that sub as the priceless, gods-given treasure that I have been implored to care for, for all the rest of our days together.


Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?
Not really. The only thing that's left for me to say is that the D/s relationship is not for everyone and there are couples out there who are more solid than some D/s couples that I know, but that's because everyone has to do what's right for them. I would never ask my sub to not be a sub anymore if I ever lose part of my brain and can't be a Dom anymore, no matter how much I'd care for him at that point, I'd find him someone that could give him what he needed. That's the biggest thing. You have to do what's right for you, no one else and you can't let someone tell you what's right for you in matters like this. If you want to be a Dom or a sub, then be one, just do it the right way, do it the safe way. If you and your Dom or sub, want to make that commitment to each other, do it, regardless of what others may say, because that's what's right for you.


As a Dom I try to make sure that I'm doing what's right for my sub at all times whether I'm with him or not. Plain and simple, because in our relationship, he is what's important. Case closed, end of story.






Happy Spankingz!


The Dom

The Coveted Collar

You may have seen them.  Collars worn around people's necks.  Some of them are fashionable, some of them are leather, some of them you barely even notice.  You may have been confused, intrigued, disgusted, turned on, and if you're a sub without a permanent Dom....envious.

You see in the BDSM lifestyle, being "collared" is something that most subs crave.  It is the Dom making a commitment to the sub and the sub making one back.

Everyone is not like me, I have three collars that I give my subs: A starter collar, a long-term collar, and then the lifetime commitment collar.  That is because I was trained and I believe that any sub that I take on, I'm making a commitment to them.  I have subs that I tease with all the time.  I'm constantly amazed at how many subs tell me that they wish I were their Dom, I'm flattered that they want to give up control to me of all people and honored that they feel that way.  However, just because I flirt with them doesn't mean that I'm seriously considering taking them on as a sub.  However, they know when I start seriously considering taking them on as a sub because I'll bring up collars.  Not them, me.  Because that's how I let them know that I'm seriously checking them out for the position of someone under my protection, someone that I want to be honored by, by having them give their control to me.  That is the way I ask them (because as a Dom you won't see me shyly ask for anything to do with a sub...anything else?  Maybe.  But as far as a sub or matters to do with a sub?  Not so much).  I bring up collars and their reaction to wearing my collar is what lets me know if they deserve to have me consider them.

Every Dom has certain things that he/she (Dominatrix) checks off on their mental list when it comes to a sub.  For me some of those things are:

How well does this sub respond to my voice?
Does this sub have previous experience?
Is this sub into humiliation or water sports?
Is this a lifetime sub or a healing sub?
Is this a male sub or a female sub?
Is this sub part of a couple or single?
Does this sub get my sense of humor?
Is this a "playing" sub or a "lifestyle" sub?
Do our tastes match up?  Our desires?  Our turn-ons?


Those are just a few things that I ask myself and check off or mark "no" mentally as I'm talking with potential subs.

I'll go over each question in later posts and explain them and explain what I think about them, but back to the collars.

I have been to collaring ceremonies.  Some of them are elaborate.  I mean it's like getting married for some Doms and subs (I'm very much like that when it comes to the "lifetime commitment collar") and they tend to go ALL out for it.  Some keep it small and simple.  But for each Dom/sub relationship it's different.

Jerome and his sub (who is also his partner) had a commitment ceremony and during the ceremony Jerome not only gave his partner a wedding ring to wear on his left hand, but he gave him a collar to wear around his neck that matched his wedding ring.

C'mon, even I got choked up over that one.

I always knew that one day I'd either have a sub who was my partner or I'd have both a sub and a partner.  I knew that I'd have someone who I'd made that lifetime commitment to who when I saw them and told them to drop their pants and assume the position so that I could spank their ass red with my paddle or my hand and then rim them until they got off and then fuck them into next week, while they're restrained and with a ball gag in their mouth, that that special person would do it, no questions asked.

You see even though subs covet the collar so that they can have that assurance that their Dom is making a commitment to them, so that they can have that feeling of possession and trust and care, we Doms crave a sub or subs to give a collar to.  We want to see someone walking around with our collar on, because it's just as much of a turn on, if not more of one, as seeing our marks on their flesh (and that's a HUGE turn on for us).

Here are some pictures for the types of collars that I use personally.

The first is the starter collar:

Then there is the collar for a sub that I've decided to take on long-term:




Then there is the lifetime commitment collars that I have yet to actually give to someone, but I'm hoping that I will have a sub to give this to soon, there is one who, just from talking to him, seems to have great potential, but we'll see and I'll, of course, keep you all updated.  But here's the collar:



And he'll get this one also:




Remember that every Dom is different, some are not as...sentimental but just like subs we all covet the collar, whether we're the ones giving it or receiving it.



{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS AND SPANKINGS}



The Dom


I found this great article about collars here, that goes a little more into depth about them and the different types: (http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/sub_collars.php3):

Collaring

What A Collar Means

Collaring is when a Dom/me claims a sub as their own. This can be literal--actually placing a collar around the neck of the submissive--or it can be figurative and be an understanding between the people involved. Often the literal option is chosen, because the collar is recognized within the community as a mark of ownership.
Collars are, again, a mark of ownership. Collars mean that a Dom/me has exclusive rights to the sub that is wearing their collar, and that he or she makes any decision that affects that sub. In some communities it is accepted that a person will check with the Dom/me before any interaction, even conversation, with the submissive. Most communities are not this formal, but that doesn't mean that the Dom/me does not have complete control over what is done to the sub that is wearing his or her collar. To touch, molest, use, or require something of a collared submissive by someone who is not their owner and is not acting under the owner's instruction is considered unforgivably rude. It is valid and acceptable for a sub to ignore an order from a Dom/me who is not their owner or is not sanctioned by their owner.
The collar means, besides ownership, that the Dom/me has agreed to the care and protection of the submissive. The education, behavior, nurturing, and punishment of the submissive all fall to the Dom/me who has placed the collar. If there is a problem with the sub, or if there is something desired of the sub, their Dom/me should be consulted first. Never assume you have any rights to a collared sub that is not your own.
Collaring is a serious step. By placing a collar, you are agreeing that this person is in your care, or you are agreeing that you will surrender your personal power to this person for as long as you wear their collar. It is a step that should be weighed carefully and not jumped into blindly. Make sure, before the collar is placed/accepted, that you and your Dom/me agree on what that collar means to you both.

Collaring Ceremonies

Collaring is much like taking wedding vows, and as such there are formal collaring ceremonies that can be performed. Master and I did not do this; rather we found a quiet spot and spoke of what placing the collar meant, and what we would both do to honor those promises.
A collaring ceremony can be private, as ours was, or you can involve friends. It's up to you and your Dom/me, really, how formal and public you wish to make this step. There are formal collaring ceremonies, often written for the Gorean lifestyle. Collaring is generally not undertaken in the general public, as it's seen as a very personal and private thing. If you do choose to make it public, be sure that all of those in the immediate area are comfortable with witnessing this part of your life. Keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Different Kinds of Collars

Collars can take many forms. They can be made of leather; they can be simple jewelry chains; they can be necklaces; they can be locked in place and the key kept by the Dom/me; they can be permanently linked around the neck; they can be worn 24/7; they can be only worn when in bed, or when in a scene, or when in the home, or when in the presence of your Dom/me; collars are only limited by your imagination. Check the sites listed on the Toy Box/Toy Stores page for ideas.
Collars do not necessarily have to go around the neck, either. If there are reasons a person cannot wear something around their neck, anything given to them and worn with the understanding that comes with a collar is perfectly valid. For stylistic reasons, some people choose body piercings to be their 'collars'. I wear a my leather collar for all to see; my labia rings cannot be seen but are just as significant between me and my Master, as he gave the permission and was there for their placement.
A consideration for collars is whether the collar can be worn in public, and the situations the submissive will face wearing a collar in public. If you are a high-level executive, it is impractical to wear a 4" wide black leather posture collar to work. For this reason, a fine chain or necklace that can be tucked under clothing may be a better choice.
At this stage in my life, I do not have anyone other than my Master that I must answer to. For this reason, I wear my collar (a black 1.5" leather collar) 24/7. It is understood, however, that I can take it off when I feel it is necessary. As I write this I am not wearing my collar; I have taken it off to let a sore spot on my neck heal. I do not wear my collar in the bath; this is to protect the leather. No matter why I've taken it off, however, I am always aware of the agreement that my collar signifies and always honor that.
Collars can also be metaphorical. There are reasons you may need a collar that cannot be seen. For this sort of thing, agree between yourself and your Dom/me what the collar means, what is expected of you while you 'wear' it, when you will 'wear' it, and under what grounds you may 'remove' it. This requires a lot of talk and a lot of agreement, but this sort of collar is just as strong as a physical collar.

Caring for a Collar

A collar is traditionally the possession of the Dom/me, left in the care of the submissive. As such it is understood that it is the sub's duty to care for the collar, keeping it safe and cleaning it when necessary. This is applicable, obviously, only to collars that can be removed.

Leather Collars

If the collar is leather, use a good saddle soap (such as Fiebings' Saddle Soap, though there are many good saddle soaps out there) to wash it occasionally. Using a soft cloth, dampen the cloth, rub the cloth in the soap, work the cloth over the collar, dry the collar and work it through the hands until it is completely dry. NEVER get a leather collar wet (in the bath, swimming) and then allow it to dry while in place. It is leather and it will stiffen from straight water (that's why you use saddle soap) and leather shrinks when it dries. If for some reason it does get wet, take it off and work it through your hands until it dries. It is impractical to place a permanent leather collar.

'Jewelry' Collars

Sometimes the collar is not the stereotypical leather collar, but rather a chain or necklace that can be worn in public and not attract attention. These can be removable, or they can be permanently linked around the neck of the submissive. If it is removable, a good silver cleaner or jewelry cleaner gotten from a jeweller's will clean the collar well. It's a bad idea to clean permanent 'jewelry' collars while they are in place, as the chemicals that clean silver and gold can be caustic to the skin.

'Collar Rules'

If a collar is not worn 24/7, it is the sub's duty to make sure it is within easy reach at all times. It may also be their duty to place it around their neck at certain times (for example, upon entering the home), but this is often determined by the Dom/me and sub together. It is unspoken that the sub will remember their 'collar rules' and not need to be reminded once they are established.
As the submissive wearing your Dom/mes collar, it is up to you to honor and defend that collar when your Dom/me is not around. It was placed around your neck with the understanding that you gave up your personal power to your Dom/me. While you wear that collar, it is expected that you will obey any orders that have been set for you, even if no one is watching. To defy a rule while wearing the collar of the person who made that rule would be dishonorable.
Also, you may be called upon to defend the collar if you wear it in public. I have had many people look at my collar and ask, "Is that a dog collar?" I just smile and say, "No, it is not." When questioned further, I say that it was a gift from a very precious person, and it means something very significant between the two of us. If you answer calmly and with a smile, it's a rare person that will pursue the subject. In fact, I have never had anyone challenge me further once I offer my answers.Being collared is a huge step, but it is also rewarding and gratifying. Wearing a collar is a great privilege, and should not be undertaken lightly. Each partner needs to agree about the significance of the collar; once the agreement is reached, you as a submissive are at once completely free and completely secure.
*k