Friday, December 2, 2011

The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership: The Finale

There is not much that can shock The Dom speechless.

When it happens I definitely sit up and take notice.

This next post didn't just make me speechless, it touched me and moved me and I'll tell you, it almost made The Dom sell off items to get a plane ticket to fly to England.

This is the final post of our Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership Series and let me tell you, we totally saved the best for last.

At least in my opinion we did.

Daniel, whom I affectionately call "The Sexiest Sub Ever" (at least I did in my head-now you're all privvy to it), is today's blog poster and while he's fairly new to the D/s lifestyle he's got a really good grasp of it.

Not only that, he belongs to The Dom, so I might be just a little bit biased when I say that of all of the posts this week, this one is my favorite.

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?
It was only at the beginning of the year that I realised I wanted to be a sub. I started with porn - vanilla mostly, but I got bored of it. I liked watching guys take it HARD, wishing that I could be that bottom. Then I caught sight of a bondage video, and I was drawn to it. I clicked on it out of curiosity and couldn't take my eyes from the screen. I searched for more, and more. My curiosity continued to grow as I learned about all the different toys and fetishes. When I moved out of home to go to uni, I bought a few toys and experimented with myself, and enjoyed it... a lot. But I wanted something more, and I wasn't sure what.

It took a while for me to build up my courage, but I started to talk to a few people about D/s. And then Vic came along. I started asking questions, trying to learn as much as I could. I don't remember exactly when it happened, but reading his posts made me yearn for someone more... and I realised what that was. I wanted someone to do all these things to me. I've always been submissive, but I'd never considered myself a sub... until then. It just made sense. Everything seemed to fit into place.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?
I think it's great. One of the things I was worried about when looking into D/s was that it would be purely D/s, and nothing else. I worried what would happen when the dom and sub grew older. But after talking with Vic and Kat, and the other members on GoodReads, I learned that I could still have the security of a relationship with a dom, that it didn't have to be all about the scenes and nothing else.
3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?
Hmmm, it's hard to pick a definite point in time. I think it was after we started talking on Twitter, probably because I was still trying to see other doms in my area then. At some point we started going from flirting to serious flirting, and then onto more private things. Next thing I know we're talking collars and trips to NY, and all sorts of other things. It's scary how fast it happened. I didn't think it was possible. But after having read the other posts this week, I'm starting to believe that maybe it is possible to find someone who you just know is your dom/sub. There's still a tiny niggling insecurity at the back of my mind though, but I can't deny how I'm feeling. I want to give myself over to him, to have him mark me and claim me - and only me - to make him happy, and be looked after by him.

4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?
Not surprisingly, my relationships up until now have been non-D/s. I've had a variety of different relationships, ranging from more lust-based, to a relationship with more of an emotional connection. I've had a relationship that started with sex, and one that started with a couple of dinner dates and drinks. But they've all seemed to start at approximately the same point... of having to learn your role in the relationship, of building up trust, etc. D/s for me is different in that the roles are very clearly defined, but still with a little flexibility. You go into the relationship already with a firm idea of what your role will be. And that's not to say it'll never happen outside of a D/s relationship, but many people tend to learn that 'on-the-job' as it were.

It's actually quite difficult for me to answer this because I see the two types of relationship as extremely similar. You can still achieve what a D/s relationship does in a non-D/s one. And yet, it seems like very few couples do. So, why? My guess is because there's a lot more communication from the onset, and because both parties will come to learn exactly what it is the other partner needs, which seems to be where a lot of relationships fail... because they're not having their needs met, and therefore not satisfied in their relationship. D/s allows you to quickly get deep inside the other person (get your mind out of the gutter, Vic), to get to know them from the inside out, and I think that's the big difference. And maybe that's why there's that almost instant attraction that Jerome mentioned. Anyway, moving on...

5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?
Well, I haven't had a collaring ceremony... yet. I want one. God, I want it so badly. Ever since I learned about what collars mean, I've wanted to be the person being collared. To me, the collar is a symbol of submission, of how the sub is giving themself over to another person. It's a sign of their loyalty and commitment. But it's also the dom saying that this sub belongs to them, that they'll protect them and care for them, and give the same loyalty and commitment in return. To me, the collar is symbolic of the vows the dom and sub make to each other, and in that way it's exactly like a wedding.

That said, I've never been big on weddings. They're too over-the-top for me. I would want something simple - an exchange of vows and the collaring... followed by the celebrations, of course.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?

I've got nothing else to add, except that this has all been a wonderful experience. I only wish I had come to the realisation that I was a sub earlier in my life. But I'm glad that I've had this chance. It's like I've finally realised who I am, and who I want to be. And no damn ocean is going to stop me from getting what I want. You hear me, Ocean!? *listens for a reply* Yeah, it hears me. The ocean is totally quaking in its boots.

And to that I have to say, you're very right Daniel, no damn ocean is going to stop us. (Yeah, The Dom can wax poetic sometimes too)

Told you, best post this week.

Happy Spankingz,

The Dom


  1. OK, yeah, I think this post was the best, but I may be biased too w/ Daniel being my buddy. lol

    So is it weird and totally girly of me to say I so want to see him get a collar too?

  2. Well you know you have time to plan. October is like 10 months from now.........

  3. Yes, you should totally come see! NY isn't that far from you, right?

  4. I think NY is probably a day drive. And really? I can come? (*snickers*) I can like show up on the front porch w/ puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip that says please let the crazy white girl in? XD

  5. LOL. Well the collaring is going to be in NM, Albuquerque. October 17th.

    But you know once I can get Daniel to settle in with me like I want then you're more than welcome to visit whenever you want.

    There are two apartments over the garage so we'll have plenty of space.

  6. SQUEE!!! I'd love to visit. You should not tell me this sort of stuff while I'm drinking a cappuccino.

  7. We'll have a whole party thing going on.

  8. Oh, I'm so happy for you both:)


  9. This was such a sweet read. You can't help but hope it all works out. =)

  10. Ah bless :o)

    I really hope you both get what you want, need and deserve


  11. Oh right... it's in NM. *facepalm* Getting ahead of myself. I blame Vic, of course :P

  12. Yes, because you taught me, when we first met, nothing is ever YOUR fault. ;)

  13. I'm laaaate, but good luck, good luck, good luck you two!!! *barely hiding squeal of totally ridiculous excitement* Nice post Daniel *hugs*

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