The Dom/sub Relationship as a Marriage/Partnership Part Two

Today's Guest Blog is by Jerome T. and Jamie T. A Dom/Sub couple who have been married for about 3 years, but have been together for over 10.

Jerome was also my mentor (and is currently deployed and serving our country overseas) and Jamie was the first sub that I was ever with.

So without further ado, here's the take on the Dom/sub relationship as a Marriage/Partnership from a couple who is actually living it currently.

Jerome T. and Jamie T.'s Viral Interview

1. When did you know that you wanted to be a Dom/sub?

Jamie: I grew up surrounded by it. My mother was a sub and my father was her Dom. They had been together for ten years before they decided to get married and then after they got married they had me. Their relationship never seemed abnormal to me or anything, it was just how my parents were. They never did a scene in front of me, and I never really noticed anything strange or different about my parents and my friends's parents until I was 10 and realized that when I spent the night over my friends's house that none of their mothers wore a collar around their necks. I came home the next morning and asked my parents and they explained it to me. They didn't go into graphic details, they just explained that they had a deeper, more trusting, more loyal relationship because their roles were clearly established. They explained that honesty and loyalty and trust were essential for their relationship. When I turned 18 I sat down with my parents to talk with them about it again and they went into details about their roles. I knew then that I wasn't fit to try to give someone orders, to take someone's control. I wanted to give it away to someone. I wanted to belong to someone else, not as a piece of property but as a treasured being. My mother told me that she'd always known that I had "sub" tendencies and after that she sort of gave me a How to Be a Sub 101 class.

Jerome: The first time I had sex with a guy, I was 19 and the whole time I kept telling him what to do. He was doing it with no problem, but while he was a very bad lay, I realized that I was getting harder every time I'd tell him to bend over or to lick my cock or whatever and that it turned me on to sort of dominate him like that. When we finished, or rather when he finished and I jerked off on his back thinking about Vin Diesel, he told me that he hadn't realized that I was such a Dom. I knew some guys from the club who were always talking about these alternative clubs down in Ybor, so I got them to take me to a couple. I figured out that I was a Dom by just watching a few of the D/s couples. I knew I'd probably bite someone if they tried to make me kneel in front of them, but I also knew that being the person who ordered someone to kneel appealed to me a lot. So I hung around talked to a few people found out about this Dom/sub group in town, got involved with them, learned from watching other Doms fuck up their subs. Learned by watching subs fuck up their Doms (because yeah that's possible to do as well). It wasn't too long before I went out and found a sub of my own.

Jamie: And it wasn't me. It was some skinny twink, whose name shall never be uttered again. But who introduced you to me.

Jerome: Yeah, it took me three subs and two years before Jamie finally agreed to be mine forever. Happiest day of my life.

2. What is your take on Doms and subs who are also partners outside of a scene?

Jamie: In my opinion, when they're in a scene they're stronger and move better together and then we're they're out of a scene they're stronger and move better together. Arguments don't typically happen as much or they aren't as volatile when the Dom and the sub are partners out of a scene. But I think the biggest thing is that the love that they have for each other becomes so interwoven and so tightly strung together that it's impenetrable.  I know that nothing can or will ever come between me and Jerome. He's my big Dominant Chocolate Teddy Bear.

Jerome: Yeah, what Jamie said. I know for me, I can always look at a couple and tell if they're partners outside of it. Their love and need for each other is almost visible. Like you can reach out and touch it. It's real cool man.



3. When did you know that you wanted your Dom/sub to become your partner?

Jamie: By the end of our first scene I knew that I wanted Jerome for a longer time frame than just that one time, but I had other Doms that I "played" with and plus Jerome didn't seem the type that was ready to settle down. But the more scenes we did together the less I wanted to be with anyone else. Then one night he called me over, but not to play or to do a scene, he took me out to dinner and dancing and then at the end of the night all he did was kiss me on the forehead and then left. That was when I knew that he was supposed to be mine.

Jerome: I fell in love with the Jamie by the end of our first scene. I came so hard that I was shaking. I could hardly talk and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and never let go, so I did the next best thing, I found a few more subs and started playing around, but none of them made me cum like Jamie did, none of them made me feel like Jamie did. I started having dreams about him. Started seeing him everywhere I went. I thought he was stalking me and then I thought he was haunting me. I heard he had other Doms and I was livid like a rabid pit bull. I was talking to a friend of mine just angry as shit and he pointed out to me that Jamie wasn't mine to be feeling like that about him and I yelled out that he was mine and no one was allowed to touch him. That was when I knew. I also knew I had to sort of date him and shit because he wasn't going to go for it any other way. So that's what I did. But I was already in love with him while making sure that he was in love with me.

Jamie: I didn't know that baby. I'm trying not to cry over here.

Jerome: Damn, you're such a queen sometime sweetheart.

Jamie: You're probably crying too jack ass.

Jerome: I'll jack your ass.

******************Yeah, let me step in and say that I had to cut out the rest of this part.**************************


4. What do you think is the biggest difference between a D/s marriage/partnership and one between two people who aren't in the Lifestyle?

Jamie: A lack of imagination?

Jerome: No, this is a trick question, is the answer....spreader bars?

Jamie: (clapping) Good answer baby, good answer.

Jerome: Survey says!

Jamie: Okay, seriously, Vic to answer your question. I think that the biggest difference is that when you're in a D/s relationship everything is heightened. The emotions, the experiences, all of it. Because everything is on a deeper level in a D/s relationship. And everything is 100%. A Dom is giving 100% of himself to his sub and the sub is giving 100% of his control and his freedom to his Dom. I haven't really had any relationships outside of the Lifestyle, so I don't really have much to base this on, but a lot of relationships that aren't in the Lifestyle don't have that. Emotions seem to start on the surface and then become deeper in a "normal" relationship. But in a D/s relationship, everything starts deep and then just gets deeper. I think that's why D/s relationships and marriages tend to last so long, because it's so much about learning the deep stuff of each other, the inner workings of their mind, their emotions and feelings and fears and deep seeded desires and then digging a little deeper.

Jerome: And playing off of what Jamie said, which I completely agree with Baby Jay,

Jamie: Thanks sweetheart.

Jerome: You're welcome. With a D/s relationship, you never stop digging. In most "normal" relationships, people just stop. When they get engaged, when they get married, after they hear "I love you" for the first time, they just stop digging deeper, they stop searching for that inner place in their partner(s). In a D/s relationship you understand that you're never supposed to stop digging, never supposed to stop searching. As human beings we are always growing, changing and shifting, if you stop digging then you'll be looking for the old man that you fell in love with and not seeing the new man that he's evolved into.

Vic: Damn, Jerome, that was deep dude. Can I put that in my book?

Jerome: Hell yeah. You talking about "Mark Me"? The one with you and that dude. Your LC sub?

Vic: Yeah. And he's not my LC yet.

Jerome: He will be. Just don't stop digging and he will be.



5. What about the collaring commitment ceremony? How was yours different from a wedding?

Jamie: You were there! You could answer this question without us!!

Vic: Just answer the damn question Jamie before I tell Jerome to make you take out your damn plug.

Jamie: (sticks out tongue) I don't know that our ceremony was completely different from a wedding, because we were getting married at the same time that we were doing the collaring ceremony. We had decorations, streamers, etc. I think the biggest difference outside of Jerome putting the collar on me was the fact that we didn't have too much of the extra frivolousness. No one sang at our wedding.

Jerome: Even though we tried to get you to Vic.

Vic: Nope, ain't doing it. Maybe at my own I will.

Jerome: Bastard.

Vic: Your mama.

Jamie: EXCUSE ME! I was having a moment here!

Jerome: Are you yelling at me?

Jamie: No sir.

Jerome: Okay then, finish what you were saying baby.

Jamie: But outside of all of that, our collaring ceremony was pretty much like a wedding. It WAS a wedding. It's just that we got to the vows a lot quicker. It was a bigger level of commitment and vows of loyalty and compassion and understanding. When you're in a D/s relationship you see the worst of your partner almost at the beginning of the relationship, I think that goes a long way towards crafting a deeper, more emotionally strong relationship, so when you're having a collaring ceremony it's a deeper, more emotional commitment. I know that during our ceremony it was so much more than just me marrying the man that I loved. I was marrying my Dom, my sir, the man who had promised to take care of me, the man who had been taking care of me. I was pledging my life, my love and eternal devotion to someone I'd already pledged my control, my freedom, my will and my decisions to. I was pouring the rest of me that he didn't already have, into him and our lives together. I think that's the biggest difference.

Jerome: I felt the same way. Here was this man who my life was already so wrapped around, you know? My every breath and my very existence was to be Jamie's Dom, he'd changed his name to be with me, he'd been freely giving me his control for years, but for me, selfish asshole that I am, I wasn't satisfied with just that. I wanted all of him. Every single part. And one thing that not a lot of people know, and it's not true for every Dom, but it is true for a lot of us, it doesn't take too many scenes for us to know whether the person we're with will only ever be a sub to us or if one day that person, that sub, could be THE ONE for us. We know from talking to them, from how we feel when the scene is over. It only takes a few for us. Doms can fall just as hard for a sub as a sub can fall for a Dom. So here I am during this ceremony and I'm pledging my life to someone I'd already given my heart and soul to. Because that's what we do as Doms, we pour ourselves into our subs, but the ones that we collar? Those are the ones that we're pouring our souls into and we all hope that one day the person that we're pouring our souls into will return the favor and give us their soul in return. So when we have that collaring commitment ceremony, which is so much different than just a regular collaring, we're receiving the soul of the person that we've already given our soul to, we're being made whole again. We're becoming one Dom, one sub for all time and I think that's what makes the ceremony different from a wedding ceremony. A wedding is two people joining their lives and becoming one unit, two separate entities moving toward the same goal. A collaring ceremony is two halves of the same whole declaring to all that they moved as one now.

Vic: Like one grounded and the other one flying?

Jerome: Exactly like that.

Is there anything else that you want to say about this matter?

Jamie: Not that I can think of.

Jerome: Nope I'm all good except to say that a collaring ceremony is precious and sacred. Doms take it very seriously and subs take it seriously as well, or atleast they should. People shouldn't scoff at that, because for us? It's just like a wedding ceremony.

Jamie: But better.

Jerome: Definitely better.

Thank you to Jerome and Jamie for agreeing to the interview!

The rest of the week we'll hear from our favorite subs on this same matter.

Happy Spankingz,

The Dom

The Coveted Collar

You may have seen them.  Collars worn around people's necks.  Some of them are fashionable, some of them are leather, some of them you barely even notice.  You may have been confused, intrigued, disgusted, turned on, and if you're a sub without a permanent Dom....envious.

You see in the BDSM lifestyle, being "collared" is something that most subs crave.  It is the Dom making a commitment to the sub and the sub making one back.

Everyone is not like me, I have three collars that I give my subs: A starter collar, a long-term collar, and then the lifetime commitment collar.  That is because I was trained and I believe that any sub that I take on, I'm making a commitment to them.  I have subs that I tease with all the time.  I'm constantly amazed at how many subs tell me that they wish I were their Dom, I'm flattered that they want to give up control to me of all people and honored that they feel that way.  However, just because I flirt with them doesn't mean that I'm seriously considering taking them on as a sub.  However, they know when I start seriously considering taking them on as a sub because I'll bring up collars.  Not them, me.  Because that's how I let them know that I'm seriously checking them out for the position of someone under my protection, someone that I want to be honored by, by having them give their control to me.  That is the way I ask them (because as a Dom you won't see me shyly ask for anything to do with a sub...anything else?  Maybe.  But as far as a sub or matters to do with a sub?  Not so much).  I bring up collars and their reaction to wearing my collar is what lets me know if they deserve to have me consider them.

Every Dom has certain things that he/she (Dominatrix) checks off on their mental list when it comes to a sub.  For me some of those things are:

How well does this sub respond to my voice?
Does this sub have previous experience?
Is this sub into humiliation or water sports?
Is this a lifetime sub or a healing sub?
Is this a male sub or a female sub?
Is this sub part of a couple or single?
Does this sub get my sense of humor?
Is this a "playing" sub or a "lifestyle" sub?
Do our tastes match up?  Our desires?  Our turn-ons?


Those are just a few things that I ask myself and check off or mark "no" mentally as I'm talking with potential subs.

I'll go over each question in later posts and explain them and explain what I think about them, but back to the collars.

I have been to collaring ceremonies.  Some of them are elaborate.  I mean it's like getting married for some Doms and subs (I'm very much like that when it comes to the "lifetime commitment collar") and they tend to go ALL out for it.  Some keep it small and simple.  But for each Dom/sub relationship it's different.

Jerome and his sub (who is also his partner) had a commitment ceremony and during the ceremony Jerome not only gave his partner a wedding ring to wear on his left hand, but he gave him a collar to wear around his neck that matched his wedding ring.

C'mon, even I got choked up over that one.

I always knew that one day I'd either have a sub who was my partner or I'd have both a sub and a partner.  I knew that I'd have someone who I'd made that lifetime commitment to who when I saw them and told them to drop their pants and assume the position so that I could spank their ass red with my paddle or my hand and then rim them until they got off and then fuck them into next week, while they're restrained and with a ball gag in their mouth, that that special person would do it, no questions asked.

You see even though subs covet the collar so that they can have that assurance that their Dom is making a commitment to them, so that they can have that feeling of possession and trust and care, we Doms crave a sub or subs to give a collar to.  We want to see someone walking around with our collar on, because it's just as much of a turn on, if not more of one, as seeing our marks on their flesh (and that's a HUGE turn on for us).

Here are some pictures for the types of collars that I use personally.

The first is the starter collar:

Then there is the collar for a sub that I've decided to take on long-term:




Then there is the lifetime commitment collars that I have yet to actually give to someone, but I'm hoping that I will have a sub to give this to soon, there is one who, just from talking to him, seems to have great potential, but we'll see and I'll, of course, keep you all updated.  But here's the collar:



And he'll get this one also:




Remember that every Dom is different, some are not as...sentimental but just like subs we all covet the collar, whether we're the ones giving it or receiving it.



{HUGZ, SQUEEZES, FIST BUMPS AND SPANKINGS}



The Dom


I found this great article about collars here, that goes a little more into depth about them and the different types: (http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/sub_collars.php3):

Collaring

What A Collar Means

Collaring is when a Dom/me claims a sub as their own. This can be literal--actually placing a collar around the neck of the submissive--or it can be figurative and be an understanding between the people involved. Often the literal option is chosen, because the collar is recognized within the community as a mark of ownership.
Collars are, again, a mark of ownership. Collars mean that a Dom/me has exclusive rights to the sub that is wearing their collar, and that he or she makes any decision that affects that sub. In some communities it is accepted that a person will check with the Dom/me before any interaction, even conversation, with the submissive. Most communities are not this formal, but that doesn't mean that the Dom/me does not have complete control over what is done to the sub that is wearing his or her collar. To touch, molest, use, or require something of a collared submissive by someone who is not their owner and is not acting under the owner's instruction is considered unforgivably rude. It is valid and acceptable for a sub to ignore an order from a Dom/me who is not their owner or is not sanctioned by their owner.
The collar means, besides ownership, that the Dom/me has agreed to the care and protection of the submissive. The education, behavior, nurturing, and punishment of the submissive all fall to the Dom/me who has placed the collar. If there is a problem with the sub, or if there is something desired of the sub, their Dom/me should be consulted first. Never assume you have any rights to a collared sub that is not your own.
Collaring is a serious step. By placing a collar, you are agreeing that this person is in your care, or you are agreeing that you will surrender your personal power to this person for as long as you wear their collar. It is a step that should be weighed carefully and not jumped into blindly. Make sure, before the collar is placed/accepted, that you and your Dom/me agree on what that collar means to you both.

Collaring Ceremonies

Collaring is much like taking wedding vows, and as such there are formal collaring ceremonies that can be performed. Master and I did not do this; rather we found a quiet spot and spoke of what placing the collar meant, and what we would both do to honor those promises.
A collaring ceremony can be private, as ours was, or you can involve friends. It's up to you and your Dom/me, really, how formal and public you wish to make this step. There are formal collaring ceremonies, often written for the Gorean lifestyle. Collaring is generally not undertaken in the general public, as it's seen as a very personal and private thing. If you do choose to make it public, be sure that all of those in the immediate area are comfortable with witnessing this part of your life. Keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Different Kinds of Collars

Collars can take many forms. They can be made of leather; they can be simple jewelry chains; they can be necklaces; they can be locked in place and the key kept by the Dom/me; they can be permanently linked around the neck; they can be worn 24/7; they can be only worn when in bed, or when in a scene, or when in the home, or when in the presence of your Dom/me; collars are only limited by your imagination. Check the sites listed on the Toy Box/Toy Stores page for ideas.
Collars do not necessarily have to go around the neck, either. If there are reasons a person cannot wear something around their neck, anything given to them and worn with the understanding that comes with a collar is perfectly valid. For stylistic reasons, some people choose body piercings to be their 'collars'. I wear a my leather collar for all to see; my labia rings cannot be seen but are just as significant between me and my Master, as he gave the permission and was there for their placement.
A consideration for collars is whether the collar can be worn in public, and the situations the submissive will face wearing a collar in public. If you are a high-level executive, it is impractical to wear a 4" wide black leather posture collar to work. For this reason, a fine chain or necklace that can be tucked under clothing may be a better choice.
At this stage in my life, I do not have anyone other than my Master that I must answer to. For this reason, I wear my collar (a black 1.5" leather collar) 24/7. It is understood, however, that I can take it off when I feel it is necessary. As I write this I am not wearing my collar; I have taken it off to let a sore spot on my neck heal. I do not wear my collar in the bath; this is to protect the leather. No matter why I've taken it off, however, I am always aware of the agreement that my collar signifies and always honor that.
Collars can also be metaphorical. There are reasons you may need a collar that cannot be seen. For this sort of thing, agree between yourself and your Dom/me what the collar means, what is expected of you while you 'wear' it, when you will 'wear' it, and under what grounds you may 'remove' it. This requires a lot of talk and a lot of agreement, but this sort of collar is just as strong as a physical collar.

Caring for a Collar

A collar is traditionally the possession of the Dom/me, left in the care of the submissive. As such it is understood that it is the sub's duty to care for the collar, keeping it safe and cleaning it when necessary. This is applicable, obviously, only to collars that can be removed.

Leather Collars

If the collar is leather, use a good saddle soap (such as Fiebings' Saddle Soap, though there are many good saddle soaps out there) to wash it occasionally. Using a soft cloth, dampen the cloth, rub the cloth in the soap, work the cloth over the collar, dry the collar and work it through the hands until it is completely dry. NEVER get a leather collar wet (in the bath, swimming) and then allow it to dry while in place. It is leather and it will stiffen from straight water (that's why you use saddle soap) and leather shrinks when it dries. If for some reason it does get wet, take it off and work it through your hands until it dries. It is impractical to place a permanent leather collar.

'Jewelry' Collars

Sometimes the collar is not the stereotypical leather collar, but rather a chain or necklace that can be worn in public and not attract attention. These can be removable, or they can be permanently linked around the neck of the submissive. If it is removable, a good silver cleaner or jewelry cleaner gotten from a jeweller's will clean the collar well. It's a bad idea to clean permanent 'jewelry' collars while they are in place, as the chemicals that clean silver and gold can be caustic to the skin.

'Collar Rules'

If a collar is not worn 24/7, it is the sub's duty to make sure it is within easy reach at all times. It may also be their duty to place it around their neck at certain times (for example, upon entering the home), but this is often determined by the Dom/me and sub together. It is unspoken that the sub will remember their 'collar rules' and not need to be reminded once they are established.
As the submissive wearing your Dom/mes collar, it is up to you to honor and defend that collar when your Dom/me is not around. It was placed around your neck with the understanding that you gave up your personal power to your Dom/me. While you wear that collar, it is expected that you will obey any orders that have been set for you, even if no one is watching. To defy a rule while wearing the collar of the person who made that rule would be dishonorable.
Also, you may be called upon to defend the collar if you wear it in public. I have had many people look at my collar and ask, "Is that a dog collar?" I just smile and say, "No, it is not." When questioned further, I say that it was a gift from a very precious person, and it means something very significant between the two of us. If you answer calmly and with a smile, it's a rare person that will pursue the subject. In fact, I have never had anyone challenge me further once I offer my answers.Being collared is a huge step, but it is also rewarding and gratifying. Wearing a collar is a great privilege, and should not be undertaken lightly. Each partner needs to agree about the significance of the collar; once the agreement is reached, you as a submissive are at once completely free and completely secure.
*k